I don't have any overall statements, but as for the drunk texting, I don't think you need to worry about that -- getting drunk is much more socially acceptable in Japan than it is in the US (as I'm sure you're aware).

Your friend circle sounds larger after 8 months than mine was last time after 2 years...

It feels like since my Japanese has gotten way better that I'm in a lot more situations where I'm using Japanese and around Japanese people more. It feels like the stakes keep getting higher.

That's the way it works.  I think it's very rare for people to feel like they've reached a spot where they can just sit back and say "OK, now my Japanese is as good as it needs to be."  Improving your Japanese also means discarding bit-by-bit your foreigner excuses and allowances, and there's always something you can't do that you wish you could.

Don't worry too much about it. You did what you felt was the right thing, but later felt bad because you made a mistake. Confronting your feelings for another person early is always the best thing to do, even if you feel that "99.999% certain" they didn't feel the same way.

The relationship with your friend will be okay, but will be awkward for some time. Just try to enjoy the rest of your Golden Week by getting out and meeting some new friends.

The next time you do what you did, give her time to react. However, don't do it again with your friend, because you will confuse her.

I have been through situations like hers that are just as confusing, one person was Japanese.

From your comment it seems that you can speak Japanese, thus it you have over come the first and most important hurdle in meeting many Japanese people.

dtcamero wrote:

even if your language level isn't high enough you've already assimilated that horrific Japanese tendency to say awkward emotional things 1) directly and 2) via an electronic medium. neither will win you any points with the opposite sex.

Just to clarify. I'd been seeing this girl about once a week for 2 and a half months. We spent the entire day together(12-13 hours) and had a good time on the day I decided to do my dumb thing. I see where you're coming from with the rest of the advice, though.

I also ran my thoughts by a few other friends, and they gave me the thumbs up that there was a decent chance this girl might like me. This was not an out of the blue thing  aside from the fact that texting on the walk home from the station in a weak moment is definitely an out of the blue thing.

yudantaiteki wrote:

Your friend circle sounds larger after 8 months than mine was last time after 2 years...

Joining Mixi and attending events in my local big city through Mixi communities is really paying dividends. There should be an eikaiwa in your local big city that runs English 飲み会's as an easy way to make side money and attract new clients. English events are good, but I want to branch out. I think I'm almost brave enough to start attending events that are not English events. I want to do a karaoke one, and see where that goes.

The thing about English events is that there are always a few people that are there that can't speak English, but want to meet cool people and foreigners. You can make friends there then speak Japanese to them later on when you're just hanging out doing normal friend things instead of English events. At one event I spoke maybe 20 minutes of English and then 90 minutes of Japanese. It's streaky.

For a long time after I first got here I was putting a lot of my social needs on my work relationships, and it was making for distractions at work. So developing my own social life with people not connected to my work has made things somewhat easier. When there are social work things I'm pleasantly surprised and enjoy them. When there's not it's okay too. It's also not my co-workers' job to teach me Japanese, and everyone's pretty busy.

vileru wrote:

Why do you think you made a mistake? Would you have been okay with continuing the relationship while holding back your true feelings?

Anyway, it seems like you're overreacting. Don't worry though, this happens to everyone when it concerns matters of the heart and I'm no exception.

It was a mistake because I didn't do things properly, and texting like that was just a needy desperate dumb thing. I do tend to overreact a lot, and try to "explain" my way out of things. It's a bad habit.

Also because of what's written in the response to the post below I probably could have been okay continuing the relationship without her knowing how I felt. My brain just wouldn't let me live with that tiny mystery of whether or not there was a snowball's chance she felt the same way.

Omoishinji wrote:

Don't worry too much about it.

Thanks for your post and your advice. It made me feel better. I do plan to very clear with her in the future. I don't actually foresee a ton of awkwardness from my side. I wasn't actually attracted to her initially, and then someone pointed out that I'd been spending a lot of time with her. I thought it might be one of those, "right in front of your face," sort of things where I was being thick.

For a little while I felt guilty feeling like I was the one leading her on.

Last edited by erlog (2012 May 01, 7:25 am)

It's not a contradiction. It's a description of two different feelings where one momentarily won out over the other long enough to send the text, and instantly regret it upon hitting send.

Being curious about dumb "what if" scenarios is a pretty different feeling than romantic feelings for another person. You haven't pondered "what if" scenarios while drunk? The very reason I had the curiosity was because I had already decided I was fine the way things were, and then there was the second quick thought of, "but wouldn't it be crazy if...<text>"

Don't tell me how I feel about things. I wasn't super attracted to this person, but if they had liked me I probably would have went along with it. It wasn't some secret burning desire like you make it sound. You have to trust me when I say I would have been fine with it, and that it's not a contradiction. Those sentences are referring to two different things.

Last edited by erlog (2012 May 01, 9:24 am)

@erlog
Sorry, I crossed the line with all the psychologizing. I've had friends who freaked out after confessing their feelings, so I thought I recognized a similar situation and could therefore help. However, I was very close to those friends and knew them well, yet I know nothing of you besides your posts. At any rate, now that you explained yourself in more detail, it makes more sense. Again, sorry for being presumptuous.

Anyway, I was thinking about deleting my previous post, but then I thought it'd be best to leave it as an example from which others can learn. If you object though, it'll be no problem for me to delete it.

erlog wrote:

Don't tell me how I feel about things.

Lol

I`ve been living in Japan for 5 months now and it`s great. Living with a bunch of people from my own country which helps too.

My problem is that I went home recently and things happened with this girl who`s one of my best mates. There`s always been something there and this isn`t the first time it`s just nothing ever happened due to her not wanting a relationship. The only thing is I`m back in Japan now and it`s really ******* with my head. I know if I go back home nothing will happen and I need to just power through but I`m in a really shit place at the minute.

I don`t think the jetlag is helping either. I`m keeping this brief cause I`m in work but yeah. Life currently sucks! Whoop.