I'm not too picky, if I were single and I met someone nice to talk to, likes me and I found them (subjectively) physically attractive (feminine+in shape mostly) I'd probably date them.

Basically if they qualify for friendship and attractiveness then they pass (I'm kinda selective about friends though). Actually that's not strictly true, things like smoking, alcoholism, drugs, promiscuousness would turn me off dating a friend.

Last edited by dizmox (2012 January 12, 10:16 am)

I don't know that I really have a list like that.  Mine's a lot more generic

Comfortable to be around
Good attitude
Nice
Caring
Doesn't nag

Despite how generic my list is, I went like 10 years without a girlfriend before I found my current one.

What do other people think about my idea that divorce wouldn't be so high were it not for people placing too much importance on romantic love over treating your spouse like a family member?

I agree with you dizmox. Your spouse is part of your family after all :-). Though I think romantic love does play a part too, at least in terms of having some kind of sexual attraction. Hopefully that kind of attraction is absent from people related to you by blood though!

IceCream wrote:

* someone who can get as excited and interested as i do about new ideas and places and activities.
* someone i can have interesting conversations and discussions with and learn new stuff, and who is flexible in thought, not dogmatic about stuff, but doesn't know so much that i feel that i have nothing to add.
* who cares about what happens in the world, has a social conscience, and wants to make the world better in some way, even if that isn't directed yet.
* someone who is able to tell me when i get stupid about stuff, and not just agree with everything i say or wimp out if i'm acting badly.
* who has some good qualities that i lack, so that i can admire him and find him mysterious in some way.
* who likes to share experiences, and is kind to me and others, and respectful (that includes being honest, and not cheating).
* someone i find attractive in some way, but doesn't have to be superhot or anything. A cheeky grin, a nice voice, or a nice way of moving is generally good.
* who doesn't berate me and is understanding if i'm in "off" mode.

I think this would also qualify as my "ideal" partner, but I somehow doubt that I would pass on someone who was lacking only 1 or 2 of these qualities. If it's being single forever or having to deal with a few personality tics, I think I'll risk the tics.

Probably doesn't help that I've been single for years and my closest friend is always complaining to me how he has to practically beat the women off of him. （笑）

IceCream wrote:

well, i dunno if those are really trivial things. Like, what does "taking things as they come" involve? Going with anyone who shows an interest in you? Basing it all on that initial feeling? Cos that original rush is going to fade, & your life'll move on and stuff.

This is why it's better to avoid rushes and build up gradually as friends to get to know each other first.

If I started making lists of requirements no one non-fictional would ever be able to fulfil them anyway...

Anybody who is saying that physical attraction is not important is not true to themselves - it is, regardless of what you think. But it is one thing to be attracted to a beautiful woman and another to marry her. Looks quickly wear off and with time other qualities become much more important. If you choose your partner for looks only you may end up breaking up/divorcing/becoming unhappy later, so you need to "choose wisely", which can be difficult when emotions are involved.

Ahh, one more thing - my grandma likes to give this as an advice:
"Only men with no imagination marry beautiful women." - take it or leave it, it's your peek.

EDIT: Regrettably, my English is getting worse and worse - fixed some pretty silly typos.

Last edited by Inny Jan (2012 January 12, 11:31 pm)

After 30 years on this Earth, I've still no idea what I'm attracted to. On paper it's one thing, but so many times I've met someone who doesn't fit that ideal and we just "click". Dating is driven by emotion not logic, so you have to be careful to follow your heart.

One big thing I've realised is that your partner doesn't have to be your best friend. It's cool to have your own interests and separate friend-circles; you don't want to be too dependent on one person for absolutely everything.

Another big thing is - don't be too picky. Alot of girls I know who are single just set their standards unrealistically high. Sorry but you're not living in a Disney movie; you're not going to find this perfect soulmate who will sweep you off your feet. In real life relationships are hard, require a fair bit of work and compromise, and everyone has flaws.

eggcluck wrote:

Being 27 and never having been on a date, I would settle for the first person to show any in me interest at all, ...as long I do not find them totally repulsive. I think that situation would be worse than no dates at all.

You live in China + You're Western (and therefore a rare commodity). What's stopping you finding a nice English-speaking local to go out with?

I don't search for any qualities in a partner.

I can just feel a connection if it's there.
That's all I look for.

I can feel the sparks flying and it's like there's this invisible energy
drawing us together. That's when I know I've found someone I really like.

As much as possible, I want to be self-sufficient and stand on my own.
If I'm looking for something in other people, it means that
I'm weak and can't do it on my own.

I don't want anyone to do anything for me.
I want to do it all myself.
I don't want to force any stereotype on anyone.
I don't want to mold them to my liking.

Everyone is independent and is free to choose their own way.
In general, I like people that have passion, know what they like, and follow their own way.

Ideally, they'd have hopes and dreams that they'll chase for the rest of their life.
I don't want our relationship to the ultimate joy for them. Their passion has
to come from somewhere else.

From experience, I think the only person you can really trust is yourself.
Don't expect too much of people and you won't be so disappointed.

If you're lucky, you can find someone you can trust.
If you find anyone like that, be good to them, because they are very rare.

Of course, I know humans are weak creatures by our nature and we need each other.

I don't "go on dates".
I just hang out with girls and have fun without any intention to start anything intimate.

You'd be surprised how well that works for me. It's the guy that doesn't want them, that women go crazy for.....yeah...no one said "onna gokoro" (a woman's heart) makes any sense.

Last edited by chamcham (2012 January 13, 12:51 am)

Why does needing each other make us weak? If anything I think being connected to others only makes us stronger. We are social creatures and we need each other. Love, companionship, friendship, compassion, understanding, these are all things that feed our souls. Saying that makes us weak is like saying the fact that we are dependant on food and oxygen to feed our bodies makes us weak.

If you find someone you're happy with, treat them well. But if they only stick around because you treat them well, there's a chance they're not really interested romantically but rather have become dependent or simply friends and/or are using you. Attraction is based first on a respect for the actual qualities of the other person and less on how well they treat you which is something all to often dictated by supply/demand.  For reasons of practicality for long-term relationships you probably do need someone who doesn't treat you like dirt though (this is where compromise comes in). But attraction(not just physical) has ultimately very little to do with finding long term partners, we're not really designed to make those decisions, to make the necessary compromises. It's something you have to learn as you grow up if a long term relationship is something you feel you need. In fact I suspect the idea of finding someone to settle down with for the long term and raise a family with is an entirely modern invention. I don't think monkeys/apes form monogamous couples and raise nuclear families together. Think about it, how often do women/men complain that their bf/gf is an a-hole/bitch or that they are neglected/abused/etc while still desperate to maintain the relationship? They'd rather have whoever they see as closest to their constructed ideal (whatever that may mean) that is attainable than be treated well. People do want to be treated well but their own sense of upward mobility gets in the way, otherwise everyone would just dump their a-hole/bitch bf/gf. If you bf/gf seems to complain/feel neglected/need constant attention then you know they really love you.

edit: wow typos galore.

Last edited by nadiatims (2012 January 13, 5:01 am)