jacf29
Member
From: St Louis MO
Registered: 2007-07-23
Posts: 204
So I made the mistake maybe some people in Japan have made before. I started dating a student at my Eikaiwa. It seemed like a good idea at first, but then I found out this girl was insane. She was talking about moving in together and having children on our first time together overnight.
I really need to break up with this girl, but I fear that she will complain to my Eikaiwa if I do so. I already tried telling her I am infertile and can't have kids, that I like S&M, doing crazy stuff etc. Didn't work. I am out of ideas. How can I do this in a way that doesn't come back and bite me if she complains to my school?
This is soo bad now that I am just thinking of quitting this job so I can break up with her. Any advice?
kendo99 wrote:
thegee, yeah there is something to manning up and dealing with your mistakes, and my advice was pretty manipulative...I dunno what I would person do in the poster's situation. It's a situation that sucks and it sucks that people do these stupid things to get into sucky situations and losing his job sucks and decieving people sucks. There isn't a good answer, but a save-my-ass instinct honed from years of remaining sane in insane environments kicked in and wanted to help...but I do see your point.
It's all good discussion.
I agree with the Vinster, she doesn't sound insane at all. I think the TS is playing off some internet stereotypes perpetuated by foreigners - Japanese/Asian woman are insane, clingy whatever. It's kind of funny to talk about it, but I think it verges on sexism/racism.
What is so insane about wanting to move in with someone or talk about having kids? First night, fair enough, but all you have to do is explain that you aren't keen for that, or aren't ready...
"I already tried telling her I am infertile and can't have kids, that I like S&M, doing crazy stuff etc. Didn't work." <- THIS HERE IS INSANE. Who would ever think that this is a reasonable way to end a relationship?
Asriel
Member
From: 東京
Registered: 2008-02-26
Posts: 1343
I think Sunflowersamurai said it best: "never shit where you eat"
Anyway, at this point in time, I don't really know if there's much that the OP can really do. I'd say just break it to her kindly, see if you can do it where you can still maintain a relationship where she's won't go and tell the company.
If she's a decent person, and you are honest (not brutally honest), but actually explain to her the situation, it may well be OK.
The breakup is always thin ice, but the key is to be honest, but light. Stay firm to your decision, but be kind. You don't want to make her more upset than she already will be.
I'm the first to admit I'm TERRIBLE in relationships...But, I don't get myself into the insane sort of situations I would have a decade ago anymore. My perspective had nothing to do with race or sex, just survival skills developed from doing stupid stuff until I quit doing such stupid stuff. And I'll admit, it was bad advice. I popped off the first thing that came to mind based on my own personal experiences of relationships turning really, really ugly and trying to do damage control when the truth was, I didn't know anything about the woman involved, or much about the situation. Should have kept my mouth shut. Apologies.
Thora
Member
From: Canada
Registered: 2007-02-23
Posts: 1691
[edit: I missed all the posts above while I typed this, so I deleted part that no longer applied.]
RKT has becomes a dating Asian women column today? gheesh
I'd try to talk to her. Explain that you like her, but you don't want to continue the relationship. Your (incredible :-) ) attraction to her caused you to make a bad decision. You shouldn't date a student. Explain that if you thought a relationship was going to lead to something serious/marriage, then you would consider changing jobs. But since you aren't interested in having that kind of relationship now, it's not fair to lead her on and you don't want to lose your job.
I think you should express your fear of losing your job, so that she won't be able say she's willing to keep seeing you casually despite your infertility, S&M or whatever. lol
Maybe tell her that you'd like to continue teaching her and talking to her at school as friends. Ask how she feels about that. If she's uncomfortable with that, then suggest that the two of you try to come up with a way for her switch teachers without sacrificing her privacy (and yours) and without putting a black mark in your employment file. She also might not want people to know. Maybe she could ask the school for a female teacher (to model speech after)? Or maybe she'll have to say she doesn't like how you teach, and you'll have to suck it up.
You can hope that if she doesn't feel personally rejected or used, and senses that you're respecting her wishes by trying to dealing with the situation together, then she'll work with you. Try emailing/texting her a couple times after to see how she's doing. If you show kindness, she'll be less likely to want to hurt you back.
Also, try to be straight up with women from the outset and assume they are rational creatures. You might be surprised how cool we are.
Last edited by Thora (2010 April 04, 3:07 pm)
chamcham
Member
Registered: 2005-11-11
Posts: 1444
Have you tried ignoring her and just cutting off all contact with her?
That's what a lot of Japanese do. It's kind of like breaking up without
explicitly saying that you're breaking up.
If she asks you out somewhere, just say that you're busy.
Don't return her calls. Don't visit her. Don't ever go out with her anymore.
In the meantime, just hang out with other girls.
Although, keep in mind that foreigners probably don't have many rights in Japan.
She can screw you over and no one will believe you. You're a gaijin. So maybe no one will sympathize with you (or maybe not?).
Whenever a girl is hurt, people tend to immediately blame the guy without hearing his side of the story. And if she's one of YOUR students, it might turn out to be a really big mess.
I don't really know what to say. It's a tough situation that could cost you your job.
Jarvik7
Member
From: 名古屋
Registered: 2007-03-05
Posts: 3946
jacf29 wrote:
I really need to break up with this girl, but I fear that she will complain to my Eikaiwa if I do so. I already tried telling her I am infertile and can't have kids, that I like S&M, doing crazy stuff etc.
If she is up for crazy bondage and doesn't mind that you're infertile (no kids), what is the problem? 
Tobberoth wrote:
jacf29 wrote:
It seemed like a good idea at first, but then I found out this girl was insane. She was talking about moving in together and having children on our first time together overnight.
Welcome to the world of asian girlfriends. Get used to it.
Indeed, their biological clocks are Swiss! While I don't mind dating older women at all (and actually prefer their personalities to young-uns), their baby-rabies ruins it for me. I'm not as vehemently opposed to children as I used to be, but it still needs to be a good 8+ years from now.
That a woman wants to move in/get married/have kids with you should be flattering, but rushing it (the later two anyways, I think living together is excellent) is always a bad idea.
Last edited by Jarvik7 (2010 April 03, 11:52 pm)
. 
