bodhisamaya wrote:

That dictionary isn't very extensive.  There isn't even an entry for gullible.

I will not be fooled!
But I almost was.

I am surprised at the maturity and thoughtfulness of the posts in this  forum, especially considering the topic.

Yinake wrote:

To the OP (or anyone else looking for a gf/bf), I'd just suggest trying to maximize what you have to offer (looks, manners, education, etc.), trying to make the most of yourself, and approaching people when there is interest. Things should fall into place eventually. I know that the phrase, "don't go looking for love, love will come find you" is trite and overused, but I've found it to be true -- being relaxed about the whole thing and not having it drilled into your head that you absolutely must find a bf/gf seems to be a more positive and more effective approach. Eventually you should meet someone you connect with, so I wouldn't worry too much about the whole thing, whether you're a man or a woman, Japanese or Western, or whatever.

Well said Yinake. Looking for love really is the worst way to go about things. I'll tell a short part of my life story as an example. (so feel free to move on as it's a little long)

I moved to Australia in 2007 in search of adventure, and a girl I could settle down with- I stayed for a year and a half (studying my MBA) and met a lot of girls, but none that were really right for me. I started studying Japanese while I was in Australia and decided that I wanted to keep studying. I eventually decided to move to Japan and study while teaching English.

I had visited Japan twice before- once for a month and once for two months- and I knew that the girls were pretty, but something I generally wanted to stay away from. I have girl-friends who are in Tokyo and I saw how they thought about relationships. If they had a sip of alcohol it was ok for them to cheat on their boyfriends because they were drunk. A few of them had (at one point or another) multiple boyfriends. Keep in mind that these are girls in Tokyo who are very obsessed with learning English and being around foreigners. I have met girls here in Fukuoka that are the same- they have a steady boyfriend and then other guys they see on the side. They typically are very well dressed, and- to be honest- really hot. Many, many foreigners have also said you can never trust a Japanese women, and to stay away from them.

So when I came to Japan last year to start teaching and studying, I decided that I was going to definitely stay away from Japanese girls- we didn't understand each other culturally and I didn't need my heart broken by some girl that thought it was ok to have a few boyfriends. Little did I know that the first person I would meet in the countryside town I started teaching in would end up being my girlfriend now. She and I met just to do language exchange for the first couple months, and then after that we started dating. She is much different than my girl-friends in Tokyo- the only similarity is that she likes English- which she only started learning to know what Bon Jovi was saying (she's a music nut). She has no interest in fashion, and she has told me that anything longer than 10 minutes to do make-up and hair in the morning is too long. She's basically a country girl- and she's definitely not the Cosmopolitan girl talked about before, and she's never gone to college, but she's the sweetest, kindest girl that I totally wasn't looking for, and found.

There are a lot of differences that have been and will be difficult to work through- especially culturally- but I guess it comes down to deciding if that is a factor or not. The point is that you can find all sorts of people here- the stereotypical girl exists, but so do other girls. Just be careful

Last edited by captal (2009 July 14, 7:57 pm)

Oh boy, not really sure what to say, haha

Human beings are human beings, and we're simply far too multifarious of a species for generalizations not to elude truth.

As countless studies have shown, people tend to be attracted towards those with the closest mirror resemblance to themselves (albeit of the opposite sex), and people always tend to be more attracted to their own ethnicity in general.

Which means, the vast majority of Japanese women are mostly comfortable with Japanese men, and feel more relationship-prone to these men. That is not to say that they wouldn't date a westerner, or that they don't think westerners are attractive. It's just that in Japan we're constantly surrounded by people of our own ethnicity, and naturally we feel much more comfortable dating fellow Japanese than dating westerners. There isn't the wide variety of races like you have in America, where people are much more comfortable dating outside their race (and why shouldn't they be!)

Of course many girls in Japan have studied and worked abroad, and are perfectly comfortable and attracted to westerners. And foreign influence is so strong in Japan in the past few decades that pretty much everyone in the younger generation has a pretty good attitude towards westerners.

Girls who actively seek only foreigners to date though...I don't know, I haven't met many of them, but they're definitely out there. I think it's absolutely silly to only want to date a certain ethnicity, but that's just me.

I have to take offense at the remark that Japanese girls are more disloyal than American women...like I said at the beginning of my post, people are people. Every culture and country has people who are disloyal to their partners, but why would you date someone whom has that type of personality if you want a serious relationship? In all honesty I've seen a lot more infidelity in America than I experienced back home, but it's all annecdotal so I won't bother with generalizations.
There are many girls everywhere who are going to be extremely loyal and devotedly in love with the right guy.

As for cute, feminine guys being more attractive, that's too subjective for me to really have an opinion on. There are definitely a lot of girls who go for that type, but there's also a huge percentage that prefer muscular alpha male.

In general I suggest being very capable in your language abilities if you want a serious relationship with a Japanese girl though, especially if you're going for one who hasn't studied and lived abroad. Serious relationships are complicated and rough enough when both people speak the same language, let alone with problems evincing meaning.

Aijin wrote:

I have to take offense at the remark that Japanese girls are more disloyal than American women...like I said at the beginning of my post, people are people. Every culture and country has people who are disloyal to their partners, but why would you date someone whom has that type of personality if you want a serious relationship? In all honesty I've seen a lot more infidelity in America than I experienced back home, but it's all annecdotal so I won't bother with generalizations.
There are many girls everywhere who are going to be extremely loyal and devotedly in love with the right guy.

Sorry if I came off as offensive Aijin, I didn't mean to come off that way. If anything I meant to show that I'd been stereotypical and was wrong. The people that met in Tokyo were mostly party people and that kind of attitude is likely going to be prevalent in any major city in Japan or America. Not sure why so many guys I have met here and in Australia have said not to trust Japanese women- maybe it's because they were chasing those types of girls and ended up with bad experiences. I don't know.

My overall experiences and the experiences of other foreign guys I met definitely gave me a negative stereotype when I came here, but I have met several people who have helped me reshape me thinking. Maybe it's also because it is harder for foreigners to find the "right" type of girl here, so they have more bad experiences than they do at home. Like you said, most Japanese women are probably more comfortable with Japanese guys.

I do feel (note- my opinion only) that in Japan infidelity is more accepted than in America or Australia, perhaps due to differences in religion and culture. I also don't like the general view of women being inferior and subservient, but again, many people break that mold.

In the end you're going to end up with challenges due to different ways of thinking and different cultural values. One culture isn't better than the other, they're just different, and it creates conflict. I've brought up a lot of negatives here, but there are many things I enjoy about the Japanese culture- the most impressive being how much more... peaceful it is here. People are more polite and helpful than America or Australia.

Last edited by captal (2009 July 14, 10:09 pm)

kanjiwarrior wrote:

Also anecdotal only has one "n" according to Firefox.  (^_-)

Spelling Nazi!

kanjiwarrior wrote:

Aijin wrote:

I have to take offense at the remark that Japanese girls are more disloyal than American women...like I said at the beginning of my post, people are people. Every culture and country has people who are disloyal to their partners, but why would you date someone whom has that type of personality if you want a serious relationship? In all honesty I've seen a lot more infidelity in America than I experienced back home, but it's all annecdotal so I won't bother with generalizations.
There are many girls everywhere who are going to be extremely loyal and devotedly in love with the right guy.

You know funny story, every Asian guy friend that I have had has told me this: "Asian women are evil" and "they will break your heart". I know they are only speaking from personal experience though, but that's from Asian guys (Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese).

In defense of Japanese women though, they were referring to Asian-Americans (possibly a whole new bread of evil?).

In my own experience, unfortunately, with Japanese women I dated I was the heart breaker =/

Also anecdotal only has one "n" according to Firefox.  (^_-)

My ex-roommate (a Korean girl) told me to stay away from all Asian girls, because they're all nuts (and yes, she was and still is pretty bonkers.)

hm... this is probably not the crowd to ask but, since we are in the "love in japan" thread...
how's the situation for the gay males in japan? i think i read somewhere homosexuality in japan wasn't viewed as a serious thing and most people wouldn't even consider the possibility of a stable relationship with a person of the same sex, can anyone attest to the veracity (or lack thereof) of that?
(cause it would suck to move to japan and find it full of closeted guys with because-this-is-what-i'm-supposed-to-do marriages)

Well the local 外人のために雑誌 runs articles every once in a while on the gay scene in Fukuoka and it sounds like it's pretty booming. You rarely see it on the street though (I've seen hand-holding only once or twice- and only girls).

Aijin wrote:

I'm so confused, I could have sworn I replied, yet I see no reply by moi...

*ponders*

bodhisamaya wrote:

captal wrote:

kanjiwarrior wrote:

hmmm.....

I always wondered...
Why do Japanese women always get their picture taken eating food (usually お菓子)?  Is it just to kind of say, "Look at me eating all this food, yet only 3% body fat.  Eat your heart out all you girls working out to Billy`s BootCamp !!!" ?

This reminds me of a story my (Japanese) gf told me earlier today.
One of her friends had 3 boyfriends going at once, until she decided that she didn't love any of them so she dumped them all and got 2 more boyfriends.

o_O

kanjiwarrior wrote:

You know funny story, every Asian guy friend that I have had has told me this: "Asian women are evil" and "they will break your heart". I know they are only speaking from personal experience though, but that's from Asian guys (Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese).

In defense of Japanese women though, they were referring to Asian-Americans (possibly a whole new bread of evil?).

I stand by this statement. I, too, am an Asian born in the western world. You'll find that most others agree as well. There's a specific reason for this regarding gender treatment, culture and environment, but I won't dwell into it too much in this thread.