Added a translation and indicated the number of the kanji I stopped at (20).

kazelee wrote:

Yeah. That would eliminate most ambiguity as well as help in comprehension. And telling the number of the kanji you stopped at as well.

Uhh, I probably shouldn't translate my story.

playadom wrote:

kazelee wrote:

Yeah. That would eliminate most ambiguity as well as help in comprehension. And telling the number of the kanji you stopped at as well.

Uhh, I probably shouldn't translate my story.

So you mean it was what I thought it was !!!

For shame.... lol

kazelee wrote:

犬は花火のラップ口を付けて、何時ですか、と聞いた。

犬は花火のひざに口を付けて（のせて？）・・・

花火は自分を見ている、「何」と聞いた。

花火は自分を見て（いて）・・・

（自分って、犬のこと？　Are we going from the dog's POV?）

自分は「何も言わない。犬が。」と答えた。

自分は「何も言っていない」と答えた。

Since the dog was asked a question, I think you might not need the 自分は since it's obvious who would be answering.

「バカじゃないよ。犬が聞いた。犬。」と自分は思い切った声で言った。

「バカじゃないよ」と自分は思い切った声で言った。

Were the extra 犬s there for a particular reason?

「黙って」とイチは叫んだ。「犬が話すことできる。僕と学校に行くも。左耳の後ろはタツウがいる。」

「黙って」とイチは叫んだ。「この犬が話すことができる。それに僕と学校に行く。左耳の後ろにはタトゥーがある（いれずみをしている）。」

Without much context for 自分 I thought you were saying she looked at herself at first.

自分 is supposed to refer to the previous は, so it is kinda messed up.

Tons of errors in the Japanese so far. For example:
「バカ、バカ、バカ」と花火も笑って言った。
Would mean " "idiot, idiot, idiot", Hanabi said, laughing. "

Actually, if you guys want to continue, we can. What I'm thinking is that it would be a whole lot easier to just type the whole story for the grade. Once it's finished I/we can submit it to a site where natives look over it an correct it.

Have you considered writing this on lang-8? It would be best to have a native read it.

Several things look off to me, but I personally don't feel comfortable offering suggestions since there is a probability my Japanese would sound just as awkward.

A couple of things:
花火は私を見ている、「何」と聞いた。
She is looking at me, and asked, "What."
Take off the いる, if you do want it, it would be 見ていて but somehow I don't feel that's what you were wanting to say.

何も言わない。
"I won't say anything." Present/future tense.
「何も言わない。犬が。」
Somehow to me adding 犬が made it sound like it's saying the dog won't say anything.
"It won't say anything. The dog."

Perhaps these would be better?
何も言ってないよ！その犬がしゃべった。　
何も言わなかったよ！その犬がしゃべった。

Somehow しゃべる sounds better to me for saying the dog spoke, though I'm not sure why.

Last edited by PrettyKitty (2008 November 06, 6:11 pm)

KristinHolly wrote:

Given that this site teaches kanji meanings rather than grammar or even vocabulary, perhaps it would be easier to do an English language story with specific words replaced by kanji (as in the picture stories in the "Highlights for Children" magazine).  That way, people from all levels could take part.

Something like:

昔, there was a 翁 and an 婆 who lived in a 村 by the 海.

If you can't figure out the story, you can try plugging it into the reading section or using a Firefox extension to reveal the hidden words.

Perhaps worth a try? Might increase the flow, comprehension, fun and still be a good vocab exercise. (Though reading the thread was quite humorous!) You could included compounds (as well as single kanji) and fudge the verb conjugations. K's chain story is a good idea...people seem to wonderfully imaginative even with 5 random words. (R rated stuff aside...)

Edit: this was actually my reply before seeing Tobberoth's post above. I think we were on the same page...just for different reasons.

Last edited by Thora (2008 November 06, 6:35 pm)

Tobberoth wrote:

Thora wrote:

Tobberoth wrote:

Tons of errors in the Japanese so far. For example:
「バカ、バカ、バカ」と花火も笑って言った。
Would mean " "idiot, idiot, idiot", Hanabi said, laughing. "

Oh T, must you insist on being a killjoy?  Relax a little into the spirit of creativity and fun.
As for the sentence, I can imagine a circumstance in which it would be appropriate and realistic (big wink).

I'm just saying, there's errors in it. Not just that it sounds unnatural, which pretty much all of it does, but there are real grammatical errors in it. What if someone who's new to Japanese comes here and reads it and think it's alright?

We already know this. Pointing it out over and over with no suggestions is fruitless. I'm certain no one new to Japanese will come to this topic and read it and think it's correct as it's been stated that it is not correct so many times.

It seems like KristinHolly's idea will get things moving faster, and avoid the "that's wrong" posts that follow.

Once we finish each grade I guess I'll translate the other parts and post it on Lang8 for corrections. The full Japanese story can added to the first post of this topic.

Hey, I was very limited in what I had to work with...

Heheheh. Not really a problem... for me that is... other might not be so understanding.

Last edited by kazelee (2008 November 06, 5:11 pm)

ah...Tobberoth, I understand. My comment was meant as good natured teasing about tone - not criticism of content.  (Amidst the silliness, your very first post just struck me kind of amusing in its seriousness, the second was somehow comically blunt.) My apology if this was unclear or inappropriate. You can see by my simultaneous post that we were actually on the same page.  Others were indeed providing corrections, however. I just agreed with KH that it might flow better as a vocab game rather than full sentences.  peace

[now back to your story - sorry]

Last edited by Thora (2008 November 06, 6:43 pm)