I am genuinely sorry you had those experiences... I guess there must be a lot of women like you who are intimidated :/

Obviously I realise this happens to women more than men, but I don't think male victims should be forgotten.

I for once really don't know what to think... The male attitudes on this thread surprise me a bit but then it is all consensual... I must say my perspectives on the whole thing are warped by having friends (male and female) who have been raped.

On a lighter note did you see my link to l'etranger?

Zgarbas Wrote:The only time when I was intimidated by someone asking me out was that one guy who started crying, begging me to love him and to take his virginity away.

No, make that two times. I don't know if this counts as someone hitting on me(I mean he clearly tried), but this guy once sat next to me in a bar and started making out with my cheek. I'm fairly sure he didn't realize that he missed. Creeped me out completely.

Ah wait, there was also that one guy who followed me around town after I said I wasn't interested, asking passerbys to help me change my mind... maybe I have a knack for finding these guys?

please don't be like these guys

I think the worst part is that it probably wasnt the first or last time those guys tried that and it probably worked on at least one for them to even try.

Ya I distinctly remember a time when I was about 13 years old getting my dinner at a buffet in a resort... and this group of euro guys who were at least 30 came over to me asking if i wanted to dance.

In retrospect its really funny but at the time I was so confused...

@Donald I am sorry that happened to you. Similar things happened to me when I was slightly younger and I think the lack of sympathy I received led me to become the unhappy, socially awkward, unbalanced and deeply flawed individual I am today.

I have no idea how to approach girls and know I have inadvertently terrified several.

I am actually against the idea of nampa from what I understand of it.

I had a date with an awesome girl tonight, the best girl I've met in a while.
We were pretty much flirting the whole time until half way through the date she told me she has a boyfriend whom she recently moved in with >.<
She's really keen on me, and I'm really keen on her, so now I'm in a bit of an ethical dilemma.

she's in an ethical dilemma, not you.

I had a similar situation - I didn't take it further out of respect for the other man. I *personally* don't think people should interfere in others' relationships....

nadiatims Wrote:she's in an ethical dilemma, not you.

She's already made it clear she's willing to cheat (pretty vividly :p), so it's up to me really.

thecite Wrote:I had a date with an awesome girl tonight, the best girl I've met in a while.
We were pretty much flirting the whole time until half way through the date she told me she has a boyfriend whom she recently moved in with >.<
She's really keen on me, and I'm really keen on her, so now I'm in a bit of an ethical dilemma.

There shouldn't be any dilemma here I think. >_> I couldn't be proud of myself as a person to do that to another guy either. It'd be against my code of honour.

No girl who moves in with a guy then acts like that can be awesome in any sense of the word.

dizmox Wrote:No girl who moves in with a guy then acts like that can be awesome in any sense of the word.

good call. =)

If she's willing to cheat on him then she should break up with him anyway. So tell her if she wants to get with you she should break up with him first.

dizmox Wrote:No girl who moves in with a guy then acts like that can be awesome in any sense of the word.

I was thinking the same thing (she's a pretty awful girlfriend), but she *is* a joy to be around.

Anyway, I don't want to do anything rash, I think I'll just friend zone her for a while.

thecite Wrote:I had a date with an awesome girl tonight, the best girl I've met in a while.
We were pretty much flirting the whole time until half way through the date she told me she has a boyfriend whom she recently moved in with >.<
She's really keen on me, and I'm really keen on her, so now I'm in a bit of an ethical dilemma.

I would do what I always do in this situation:
1)Decide that the right thing to do is take the high ground and keep it on a friendship level.
2)Get drunk and sleep with her by mistake.
3)Realize that it's always a bad idea to sleep with someone who has a boyfriend.
4)Regret it.

I would take a slightly different route and say that if she is willing to do that then A) the guy must be a loser for being so mushy with this girl who obviously doesn't like him that much. B) if she doesn't cheat on him with you she will probably cheat on him with someone else, soon, and C) she may very well be fantastic, if only on a physical level...

All of that comes together to tell me that you should sleep with her and not regret it at all, but simply feel a little pity for that loser that is dating this awful woman. It's not your fault that she's an awful human being inside a beautiful casing.

There's not really any reason to assume this guy is a loser just because he's dating a girl who is willing to cheat on him. Victim blaming ftw.

Tzadeck Wrote:I would do what I always do in this situation:
1)Decide that the right thing to do is take the high ground and keep it on a friendship level.
2)Get drunk and sleep with her by mistake.
3)Realize that it's always a bad idea to sleep with someone who has a boyfriend.
4)Regret it.

クソワロタwwww

I've heard of this type of situation (being invited on a date with someone who is brazenly willing to cheat) a lot since I've come to Japan. Compared to America, it seems like there are a lot of Japanese people who are willing to cheat on their significant other. There also seem to be a lot of people dating who don't actually like each other or want to be around each other (I'm thinking mostly of rich guys dating ギャルズ). Has anyone else noticed this?

I really hope I don't end up dating a girl that would cheat on me, especially so readily :-\

[Zgarbas]

blackbrich Wrote:I think the worst part is that it probably wasnt the first or last time those guys tried that and it probably worked on at least one for them to even try.

Actually, the first guy is still on the quest to losing his virginity(or was a few years ago, last anyone heard from him). At one point he decided to take matters into his own hands and go to a prostitute. He started crying and apparently they talked and realized that they were both suicidal and sex would be meaningless. She still charged him.

That guy was hilarious.

poor man.

partner55083777 Wrote:I've heard of this type of situation (being invited on a date with someone who is brazenly willing to cheat) a lot since I've come to Japan. Compared to America, it seems like there are a lot of Japanese people who are willing to cheat on their significant other. There also seem to be a lot of people dating who don't actually like each other or want to be around each other (I'm thinking mostly of rich guys dating ギャルズ). Has anyone else noticed this?

Yes, such attitudes are common in Japan. In fact, I attended a Japanese class in which the 30-something-year-old, male Japanese teacher asserted that true feelings (本気) and playing around (遊び) are separate things. It's worth noting that he is also recognized by everyone as extremely serious (超真面目). He has three kids.

I actually find such a mindset refreshing and mature. It disturbs me when people are possessive. It's like a child who refuses to share a favorite toy. Plus, possessiveness is often fueled by jealousy or feelings of inadequacy, rather than a noble desire to use physical fidelity as a token of one's love and loyalty. Not to mention, there are much more important dimensions to a relationship than physical exclusivity. I could say more, but I'm curious to see what others have to say about this, though.

Of course, there are Japanese who despise their partners engaging in anything physical outside of their relationship. However, this perspective seems far less prevalent than in the U.S.

dtcamero Wrote:I would take a slightly different route and say that if she is willing to do that then A) the guy must be a loser for being so mushy with this girl who obviously doesn't like him that much. B) if she doesn't cheat on him with you she will probably cheat on him with someone else, soon, and C) she may very well be fantastic, if only on a physical level...

All of that comes together to tell me that you should sleep with her and not regret it at all, but simply feel a little pity for that loser that is dating this awful woman. It's not your fault that she's an awful human being inside a beautiful casing.

He's actually quite handsome, and from what I've heard sounds like a pretty nice guy.
I don't think she cheats very often, if at all, we just got along really well.

Anyway, I think I'll keep on looking; I wouldn't mind just finding a steady girlfriend and focussing on study for a while.

I feel men who are physically possessive of there partners with their partner's consent shouldn't be judged.

Not everyone wants to see their partner, be it male or female kiss other man.

One of my friends attacked somebody who kissed his gf when she was drunk and nonconsenting and I think he was perfectly in his rights to do this.

I think your post reeks of liberal middle class nazism though i dont know you.

@HonyakuJosh
That's quite an extreme example. If anything physical is nonconsentual, then it's sexual harassment or worse. Likewise, there's a huge difference if it's happening right before your eyes. I didn't elaborate on my position because I just don't have the time to deal with every possible scenario.

However, let me emphasize that do not I think everyone needs to choose to have open relationships (although, I still stand by my claim that possessiveness is usually motivated by jealousy and feelings of inadequacy). In fact, my own relationship is strictly monogamous, and has been for over three years. However, I have no justification to accuse people of immorality if they're okay with physical contact outside of their relationships, especially since it seems like a much more sensible position given human sexuality and my reasons above.

Yeah, well people DO feel inadequate. I spent parts of my childhood homeless and I have felt very jealous in the past. I think being protective of a partner is natural.

[Zgarbas]

Erm, just my two cents on this but...
Look, if you're in an open relationship, poly or monogamous then that's fine. My problem is when people fail to communicate this to their partners. Kissing another man when you're in an established monogamous relationship is a breach of trust, regardless of how "open" society is to this. It's cheating, and it's wrong, plain and simple. Be it lack of communication or of morality (not that polyamory is a morality issue, but cheating a partner's trust is one), there's something very wrong with that.

When you're talking about the difference between fooling around and true feelings, you're talking an open relationship. If your partner is unaware that your relationship is open then there's a problem and covering it with BS excuses like "oh my god I'm so open because I separate sex from love" is just sleazy and dumb.

V I got the link, but amazon.jp is a no-go

I agree with Zgarbas... ZGARBAS: did you get the link to L'etranger?