So I live in Japan, and recently have had trouble not getting discouraged about some things. I want this thread to be a place where people can describe recent failures they've had and can get advice or moral support. I'm sure lots of other people have been in my shoes.

How do you force yourself to remember it's not the end of the world, and be able to have the strength to push forward in order to make things better?

My Background
I've lived in Japan for about 8 months now. My ultimate career goal is to become a simultaneous interpreter. My level right now is about at JLPT N1, but my level was too low last year to pass in December. So I'll take it again in July, and most likely squeak by. My level of Kanji Kentei is around 4級 right now, and I'll take a bunch of different levels of that in June.

My current job leaves me with a ton of extra free time during the day, and so I have the luxury of being able to study for at least 2 hours every day while immersed in a Japanese office environment with ample opportunity for conversation. I know for a fact I'm getting better every single day.

BUT!

My Problem
This week, as a kick-off to Golden Week, I drunk texted a confession of romantic feelings to a Japanese friend I was 99.999% certain wasn't interested in me like that. I immediately apologized in broken Japanese. She sent me a thing this morning saying we were still cool as friends. I sent back another apology that another Japanese friend helped me write to make sure I was handling things properly. I think things will be okay from here, but you never truly know with people.

Over the past few months she had become one of my best friends, and not even with the qualifying statement of Japanese. Flat out she was the person I felt understood me the best because she had similar experiences living abroad and learning a foreign language(not English).

My social network of Japanese people is still very small. So doing dumb things and alienating people feels like it has more consequences. I know Japan is a large country. There's always more fish in the sea and all that. If someone wanted to toss me away that quickly then they're probably not that cool of a person anyway, right?

I understand all this, but it's hard to remember it when the negative feelings surface in response to a failure. I want advice, but it's hard to know where to turn. I can get tips on emotional maturity and social ability from my parents and friends back home, but they don't understand how me living in Japan makes things slightly different. Likewise, simply being better at Japanese wouldn't have prevented me from being stupid yesterday.

Anyone have problems or tips they'd like to share?

I don't have any overall statements, but as for the drunk texting, I don't think you need to worry about that -- getting drunk is much more socially acceptable in Japan than it is in the US (as I'm sure you're aware).

Your friend circle sounds larger after 8 months than mine was last time after 2 years...

Quote:It feels like since my Japanese has gotten way better that I'm in a lot more situations where I'm using Japanese and around Japanese people more. It feels like the stakes keep getting higher.

That's the way it works. I think it's very rare for people to feel like they've reached a spot where they can just sit back and say "OK, now my Japanese is as good as it needs to be." Improving your Japanese also means discarding bit-by-bit your foreigner excuses and allowances, and there's always something you can't do that you wish you could.

Why do you think you made a mistake? Would you have been okay with continuing the relationship while holding back your true feelings?

Anyway, it seems like you're overreacting. Don't worry though, this happens to everyone when it concerns matters of the heart and I'm no exception. Just keep in mind that Japanese are generally forgiving when it comes to drunken relevations. Besides, wouldn't you have to eventually confront your feelings for her anyway? Just be satisfied that you've already done all you could've. The rest is up to her.

Don't worry too much about it. You did what you felt was the right thing, but later felt bad because you made a mistake. Confronting your feelings for another person early is always the best thing to do, even if you feel that "99.999% certain" they didn't feel the same way.

The relationship with your friend will be okay, but will be awkward for some time. Just try to enjoy the rest of your Golden Week by getting out and meeting some new friends.

The next time you do what you did, give her time to react. However, don't do it again with your friend, because you will confuse her.

I have been through situations like hers that are just as confusing, one person was Japanese.

From your comment it seems that you can speak Japanese, thus it you have over come the first and most important hurdle in meeting many Japanese people.

even if your language level isn't high enough you've already assimilated that horrific Japanese tendency to say awkward emotional things 1) directly and 2) via an electronic medium. neither will win you any points with the opposite sex.

1) there is never a good reason to tell a woman you're not dating that you feel that way about her. you can flirt in a way that signals your interest (probably what she was doing). no matter what your intentions it will never sound good/not stalkerish...this is not the princess bride and girls never respond positively to that kind of approach.

2) NONONO not by text not by email not even by phone. not at the office not on the street. with the points from #1 in mind make an indirect advance once an opportunity presents itself in or after a social situation (bar/karaeoke/dinner/club/party).

once you've been dating someone for a while you can safely pour your heart out.

dtcamero Wrote:even if your language level isn't high enough you've already assimilated that horrific Japanese tendency to say awkward emotional things 1) directly and 2) via an electronic medium. neither will win you any points with the opposite sex.

Just to clarify. I'd been seeing this girl about once a week for 2 and a half months. We spent the entire day together(12-13 hours) and had a good time on the day I decided to do my dumb thing. I see where you're coming from with the rest of the advice, though.

I also ran my thoughts by a few other friends, and they gave me the thumbs up that there was a decent chance this girl might like me. This was not an out of the blue thing aside from the fact that texting on the walk home from the station in a weak moment is definitely an out of the blue thing.

yudantaiteki Wrote:Your friend circle sounds larger after 8 months than mine was last time after 2 years...

Joining Mixi and attending events in my local big city through Mixi communities is really paying dividends. There should be an eikaiwa in your local big city that runs English 飲み会's as an easy way to make side money and attract new clients. English events are good, but I want to branch out. I think I'm almost brave enough to start attending events that are not English events. I want to do a karaoke one, and see where that goes.

The thing about English events is that there are always a few people that are there that can't speak English, but want to meet cool people and foreigners. You can make friends there then speak Japanese to them later on when you're just hanging out doing normal friend things instead of English events. At one event I spoke maybe 20 minutes of English and then 90 minutes of Japanese. It's streaky.

For a long time after I first got here I was putting a lot of my social needs on my work relationships, and it was making for distractions at work. So developing my own social life with people not connected to my work has made things somewhat easier. When there are social work things I'm pleasantly surprised and enjoy them. When there's not it's okay too. It's also not my co-workers' job to teach me Japanese, and everyone's pretty busy.

vileru Wrote:Why do you think you made a mistake? Would you have been okay with continuing the relationship while holding back your true feelings?

Anyway, it seems like you're overreacting. Don't worry though, this happens to everyone when it concerns matters of the heart and I'm no exception.

It was a mistake because I didn't do things properly, and texting like that was just a needy desperate dumb thing. I do tend to overreact a lot, and try to "explain" my way out of things. It's a bad habit.

Also because of what's written in the response to the post below I probably could have been okay continuing the relationship without her knowing how I felt. My brain just wouldn't let me live with that tiny mystery of whether or not there was a snowball's chance she felt the same way.

Omoishinji Wrote:Don't worry too much about it.

Thanks for your post and your advice. It made me feel better. I do plan to very clear with her in the future. I don't actually foresee a ton of awkwardness from my side. I wasn't actually attracted to her initially, and then someone pointed out that I'd been spending a lot of time with her. I thought it might be one of those, "right in front of your face," sort of things where I was being thick.

For a little while I felt guilty feeling like I was the one leading her on.

erlog Wrote:

vileru Wrote:Why do you think you made a mistake? Would you have been okay with continuing the relationship while holding back your true feelings?

Anyway, it seems like you're overreacting. Don't worry though, this happens to everyone when it concerns matters of the heart and I'm no exception.

It was a mistake because I didn't do things properly, and texting like that was just a needy desperate dumb thing. I do tend to overreact a lot, and try to "explain" my way out of things. It's a bad habit.

I completely glossed over the fact that this happened via texting! Yes, that's definitely a faux pas, regardless of whether the person on the other end is ice cold or fawning over you. I'm sure you're already well-aware of this though, so let's not dwell on that.

erlog Wrote:I probably could have been okay continuing the relationship without her knowing how I felt. My brain just wouldn't let me live with that tiny mystery of whether or not there was a snowball's chance she felt the same way.

After saying you'd be okay without revealing your feelings, you contradict yourself in the very next sentence! Maybe my intuition is wrong, but I have the impression that you've been longing to express your feelings and now you're upset that things didn't work out the way you had hoped. Instead of being relieved that you've finally shown your true feelings and accepting that nothing more can be done, you're beating yourself up since your hopes have slipped away, thereby further increasing your anxieties. If she had instead confessed that she has mutual feelings, would you still be so frustrated? I doubt it. You'd probably congratulate yourself for finally building the courage to tell her how you feel. Of course, I can't read your mind, but it's hard for me to believe you're being honest with yourself, especially when one statement contradicts the next.

It's not a contradiction. It's a description of two different feelings where one momentarily won out over the other long enough to send the text, and instantly regret it upon hitting send.

Being curious about dumb "what if" scenarios is a pretty different feeling than romantic feelings for another person. You haven't pondered "what if" scenarios while drunk? The very reason I had the curiosity was because I had already decided I was fine the way things were, and then there was the second quick thought of, "but wouldn't it be crazy if...<text>"

Don't tell me how I feel about things. I wasn't super attracted to this person, but if they had liked me I probably would have went along with it. It wasn't some secret burning desire like you make it sound. You have to trust me when I say I would have been fine with it, and that it's not a contradiction. Those sentences are referring to two different things.

Yeah, it's tough.

I really like a girl recently, and we've been going out a lot and I'm hoping things go well.

I'm not usually so emotionally invested, so it's a weird feeling. Little mistakes feel a lot bigger than they are.

I'll see her again on Thursday, so here's hoping that things go well!

@erlog
Sorry, I crossed the line with all the psychologizing. I've had friends who freaked out after confessing their feelings, so I thought I recognized a similar situation and could therefore help. However, I was very close to those friends and knew them well, yet I know nothing of you besides your posts. At any rate, now that you explained yourself in more detail, it makes more sense. Again, sorry for being presumptuous.

Anyway, I was thinking about deleting my previous post, but then I thought it'd be best to leave it as an example from which others can learn. If you object though, it'll be no problem for me to delete it.

If the girl was spending a lot of time alone with you then she probably did like you a bit, but your text message put a lot of pressure on her and made you seem like you don't know what you're doing. Next time show her you like her with eye contact and touching. Touch her arm for a second when you're talking, put your hand on her waist while you're having a drink at the bar, etc. Just start with something innocent and slowly escalate, if she doesn't like it she'll go away. This will naturally lead to kissing/sex, a drunk text message will lead to awkwardness, even if she says yes.

[s0apgun]

erlog Wrote:Don't tell me how I feel about things.

Lol

vileru Wrote:@erlog
Sorry, I crossed the line with all the psychologizing.

It's fine. I don't take offense. You don't know my situation beyond what I've posted. Leave the post up for people who need it.

quincy Wrote:If the girl was spending a lot of time alone with you then she probably did like you a bit, but your text message put a lot of pressure on her and made you seem like you don't know what you're doing.

This is the part that hurts, but feels like the truth. She was flirting with me, and things were going well. Then I had to make it weird. It's my own impatience that does it.

The part about putting pressure on her makes a lot of sense. My thinking before reading your advice was that talking is less pressure than actual physical contact, but now that you've explained it a little bit I feel like I understand. It sounds like a really dumb thing to say because I'm sure to many people this stuff is just obvious. I had a relationship at university for 6 years, and I just have so little experience dating.

Even in English I'm usually focused on what I need to say instead of things I need to do. In Japanese the preoccupation with saying things gets magnified.

I'm going to keep boundaries pretty clear with this girl, but will try to take your advice with the next one.

I`ve been living in Japan for 5 months now and it`s great. Living with a bunch of people from my own country which helps too.

My problem is that I went home recently and things happened with this girl who`s one of my best mates. There`s always been something there and this isn`t the first time it`s just nothing ever happened due to her not wanting a relationship. The only thing is I`m back in Japan now and it`s really ***** with my head. I know if I go back home nothing will happen and I need to just power through but I`m in a really shit place at the minute.

I don`t think the jetlag is helping either. I`m keeping this brief cause I`m in work but yeah. Life currently sucks! Whoop.