Hi,
I was just thinking, nowadays which is better to be an introvert or an extrovert - specially in the business world. I thought that for instance managers are all extrovert people - who partied all the time when they were students - thus learned how to interact / communicate / get along with people. However an acquaintance of mine pointed out last time that our mutual friend - who is now a manager at a company was a really introvert - which surprised me...
I never went to parties, since I started the university, and now I really feel that I've missed something important in my life - not just regarding leadership, ect. but in general.
I don't know why - but I've been having this ambition that I want to be a manager - it's a bit far fetched - I clutter, and I'm an introvert - I have social anxiety..but still. On the other side I feel like I should've been a scientist - it totally fits my personality, I think - but I was too dumb to study hard enough

Besides all this I feel like - empty. I mean I don't know what I want in life, how I want it....I don't really feel anything (maybe general sadness, and regret). Being an introvert isn't all that good - since I've isolated myself socially perfectly...and now it's hard to change my behavioural pattern. Doing self-study all the time, only makes it worse.

I feel like I don't know how to feel happy..most things that make most people happy...don't work for me Working, interacting with people, going to a party - I just don't feel anything, neither good nor relaxed... just nothing....The only thing that makes me happy is exercising - that is physical (muscular) pain, and eating sweets maybe, that's it - and it's not all that much
I feel - or rather, I know, even If I try to live my life to the fullest, my past - one's best years in life - the early 20s, are gone, without having a girlfriend, parties, or in general - joy I know it will haunt me forever.. I don't know how to enjoy life - sad thing is, I think I never knew... Do you guys know? Setting goals and achieving them could be one way, but I always aim too high - setting a goal which I can achieve 100% sure does not motivate me at all... and aiming too high - I always fail. Aiming in the middle - I don't know how to

Besides I sense that my intelligence has been dropping a great deal, gradually, over the last 6 months. Maybe I have dementia, or some sort of mental issue

Hello Raschaverak,

You're not alone, I'm a bit in the same situation for many points. ^^

You shouldn't regret your studies. I'm sure that you had a very precise idea : you wanted to success in your studies. You sacrifice a lot like not participating parties and having a restricted social life. It was a sacrifice helped by the fact you were introvert.

So what ? You can't check but maybe you would have been bored by those parties. Maybe, if you had had more social life, you would regret it now because you would have missed your studies.

Who can say, honestly ? it's not wise to regret the past. Stupid choices are rare, you would have had a reason at one moment and at one maturity state.

I really think your main problem now is that you're obsviously depressed :you maybe lack of D vitamin or have a lack of other things : take care of you and make an blood analysis.

The second point is that you've got a way of becoming social : you say you like exercising, so why don't you subscribe to a sport association/club ? It's a way to meet people who share already one passion ! If you want to change, you have to give a possibility to try.

I know what you're going through. I watched almost all my friends graduate college this year, and I'll be following along in August or December. So there's been some introspection about how I've spent these past 8 years...high school and college. I'm pretty introverted and don't really go out a lot.

What's the point of regretting being social? I used to want to be *that guy.* I knew that if I could just be more 'social,' or more 'popular,' then my sense of self worth would increase, and I'd be having a lot more fun. But you know what I found out? What was stressing me even more than that, was how much I *wished* I was that guy, instead of just doing what I enjoyed. That's when things changed.

Sure, I went to the occasional party, and was relatively social...but I stopped regretting it when I didn't. Did I stay home Friday night playing videogames? Sure, but it was fun!

If you're an introvert, then doing introvert things is a lot better than regretting not being an extrovert.

You feel happy mainly from exercising and eating sweets
you have isolated yourself from the world and now want to become social.

So you want to:

Social needs
1 Cure your social anxiety or rather leave it at it and become an unsociable scientist-like person
2 party
3 have a social life
4 have a girlfriend

Existential needs
5 find meaning in your life, a reason to live
6 learn to enjoy life
7 learn to set right goals.

Intellectual needs
8 have order in your life (a kind of a systematic way of approaching life?)
9 increase your intelligence or cure your possible mental issue

------------
9 to-do things, huh?
Solving some of them supports solving your other problems.

Find the most important problem to solve and start doing something.
The fact that you say that you have a label "introvert" on you doesn't actually mean anything. If you don't like this mere label to such an extent that you don't want to live, you might as well kill yourself. It's not such a desperate situation, right?

If you have decided to live, start doing something. And don't give up before something changes. That's a goal for you. Not easy to achieve for you, and not impossible either - just as you wanted, something between the 2.

The way I see this is that if you start bringing people into your life well enough, at least half of those problems will be solved very soon.
Arrange meetings or add random people who live near you on skype and start socializing.

Be creative, try not to be boring. And pay attention to important things in social life, such as looks, hygiene, etc...

I'm only a lowly undergraduate (soon to be lowly intern) still but I share(d) a lot of your worries. I've long accepted that I'm never going to be a party animal and have no desires to do so, so that's fine. Incidentally, parties bore me to tears and I generally don't like being in groups of people larger than 3. Accept and embrace who you are and have confidence in your own abilities. You don't have to be the same as everyone else to succeed in life.

Don't listen to the bullcrap corporate culture that seems to put you down for not being the extroverted team leader type. Anyone can be a manager once they've gained enough experience in their job, but it's a pretty generic job title, so do use some discretion. Plenty of introverted, geeky types are in managerial positions, they just had to work their way up there. Just do your research and try to find a career field that suits you. There are many jobs other than scientist that are suited for introverted people, so don't get all despondent. Personality based interviews are a bitch, but just blag your way through them.

As for girls... I dunno your tastes, but Japanese girls seem to fall over geeky, introverted guys all the time. Awkward, shy? No problem, chalk it up to poor language skills.

A lone trip abroad somewhere would widen your horizons and help you find confidence in yourself, I'm sure. Seeing as you're learning Japanese (I assume), why not get some penpals to meet up with?

Being introverted doesn't have many pros, but being extroverted does.

However, it's not really a choice for most people. They simply are who they are.

I'm an introvert, too, and I've found that it makes language learning a lot harder than if I wasn't. Instead of kicking myself for being who I am, I simply find ways that work for me.

I do fight it a bit, though. I've been trying to get out to parties more often, and make more friends. I've got a couple Skype language partners and I plan to find a couple more once I'm better at speaking.

Raschaverak... you make me want to bang my head repeatedly against a brick wall (in the nicest possible way ).

i don't know how many times to say this, but your problem is simply being depressed. Sort out the depression, and the rest will follow. Don't sort out the depression, and nothing you do will make you happy, period.

SORT OUT THE DEPRESSION!!! lol!

that includes sorting out the extreme negative thinking you have. Try to see things in a different light. Why on earth should your early twenties be the best years of your life?!? No man, that's not how it works. You can have fun at any age. Your only 26 ffs, you can become anything you want to be. Stop taking life so seriously!!! It's not such a serious heavy thing. Play, have fun. Turn every single one of those signs in your post into and then laugh at your silly worries. Life's just one long joke, so laugh as often as possible! Stop trying to be someone you're not, and just be yourself. When you're comfortable with yourself, your social confidence will also increase. If you don't like parties, don't go to parties. If you like studying, study! Contrary to popular opinion, being an introvert isn't the same as being shy, or socially anxious... it just means that you like to spend time by yourself. It doesn't mean you have to be a recluse or have no social life at all. Enjoy life, appreciate the sights, sounds, and smells around you. Find something likable and interesting about everyone you meet. Be kind to other people, and do nice things for them to help them out or just make them smile. Stop trying to figure out what you want to do, and just mess around doing a load of things. Travel, and see new things. The world has tons of possibilities. All anyone ever does is waste time one way or another, so it's all the same in the end. And the things you're worried about, just STOP! Stop thinking all those negative things. Honestly, none of them matter. They even sound a little ridiculous to anyone reading it objectively! Every time one comes into your mind, replace it with something great you saw or heard today. Learn to not care about those negative things. Learn to like yourself, and you'll become a better person.

... and i can almost hear you thinking, as you read this post "...but, i don't know how to do it. nothing i do works." Or even, "that's all stupid advice, how is that gonna get me a girlfriend" or maybe "but, how can i be myself if i don't know who i am or who i want to be".
Well, that's because you've been depressed too long. You could have gone to the doctors and sorted it out ages ago, it's not an incurable disease. btw, medication also helps with social anxiety. You can ask for cognitive behavioural therapy and social skills training if you really think you need it at the same time. Most doctors do provide those kinda things...
/end rant lol.

Introverts are cool. They got this intriguing aura about them.

They're... mysterious.

That's what one of my Japanese friends said once. Lol.

Oh I forgot to [try to] answer your question.

I'm an introvert.

From my experience, you just gotta be chill and be like: "I'll take whatever I get".

Life will just sort out itself out if you don't try so hard and be negative about everything.

Take everything in, and make the best of it all.

All the interesting movie/book characters are introverts anyway.

Can you imagine Batman as a bubbly extrovert?

This reminds me of something Richard Feynman said once. He is kind of famous for having been both a great scientist and an over-the-top extrovert, so he often told stories about going to bars and parties and the like. He starts off one of the stories talking about how he used to go to the same bar all the time when he did lecture visits at a college in Buffalo. He explains, "You see, when I was young, I used to think that things happen in bars."

Bars, parties, and other symbols of socializing twenty-somethings might not be all that they're cracked up to be.

You need friends and something of a social life to have a fulfilling joyful life, but please don't think that it means you need to be good at going to parties. I was formerly in a position similar to yours (without the depression), and since then I've gotten better at parties and the like. But really, the people who make you happy are the few people who know you well and that you get along with. Find those people. That's what's important, not parties.

As you age what is important to you will change. When you're a little older I think you'll stop regretting having wasted your early twenties.

Overly extroverted people tend to piss me off.

I'm fairly introverted. When I meet new people I don't tend to say much and just listen to the conversation and laugh in all the right places However once I am comfortable around the people I am with, it's a completely different story - but I guess most people tend to be like that.

I graduated from university last month, and I have to say that my uni student life sucked. I decided to keep living at home and so that meant that I could only attend the one university in my town. It isn't the greatest to be honest, and after first year they only offered business subjects via distance/online. So 75% of my degree was spent in my bedroom studying by myself - I really got into a rut and didn't want to go out or do anything. Not to mention most of my friends had moved away to study elsewhere, and apart from one friend who still lived here, I grew apart from my other friends (water under the bridge, different life direction/view of life, all those sort of things). So my point is that I never had this great partying social life or whatever, and I used to think how great it would be blah blah blah...though the catch is I don't really like drinking that much. I always feel like whoever I am with is pressuring me to just drink more and more when I don't want to (I don't listen to them, but it is still annoying when you are just trying to enjoy yourself and they are wanting to get wasted.)

Anyway, I got to a point where I couldn't handle living the same mundane life day in and day out so I bit the bullet and took a scholarship to Japan (as I had also studied Japanese). I sort of saw it as a reward for those 3 years of endless studying locked up in my bedroom plus a chance to improve my Japanese. When I applied it was a great idea, but as time went on I really began shitting myself about the whole thing and even wanted to pull out before I went (+1 to my introvertedness). But in hindsight I guess that was just fear of the 'unknown', although I had already been to Japan once before.

Once I got there and made new friends I felt like I was a different person. I didn't have all these people around me who thought this or that about me or thought I didn't like to go out, or I didn't like drinking. And I didn't feel like I had to keep being the person that I always had been. Also I didn't have my parents around either, so that makes things a whole lot easier...I went out drinking at nomikais, went to parties are the dorms, snuck drinks into karaoke all sorts of things. It was great because I finally got to have a bit of that social life that I had missed out on.

Within a week or two of coming home though I felt like I had slipped back into my old self. I had changed but everything was exactly the same - my room, my house, the street, the town, my friends, everyone's little unnecessary dramas. What I miss most is being who I wanted to be - even having gone there and come back, I was much more confident at the time than what I am now. It really sucks. But atleast I have all these new amazing friends from all over the world that I met in Japan and even if I can't be with them everyday, we still talk on skype and facebook. They are my sanity.

So what I am trying to say is just because you are an introvert doesn't mean you have to live your life as an introvert. Yeah I wasn't always comfortable meeting new people or hanging out with everyone I met while I was away, but over time you gain confidence. You realise that people want to talk to you and be friends with you for who you are, not the fact that you grew up together and the friendship is just there for 'convenience' so to speak. More importantly you realise your potential and what you are capable of. Even making small changes can do this - I'm not necessarily saying that you should pack up your life and move to Japan to fix the problem because it won't. If you move to Japan for example and remain as an introvert and only do introverted things, expect your life to be much worse than what it is now. But it is up to you to put yourself out there, and bare all your insecurities, which can be the most terrifying thing to do, but you'll see that eventually it does pay off.

Edit: thanks for making this thread. felt good to get that off my chest too

Hey R.

The drop in intelligence stuff is probably a depression sign, so like Ice said you should sort that out first (treatment + do things that less bore you? bump around Spain/India for the summer/awhile?).

For the rest, it's never too late to do anything. My best friend (30) used to be a big aloof geek (Everquest it was called), and he kept dropping out because he was too lazy. Now he just does low wage jobs and dates a lot of girls through dating sites, and he seems quite happy.

Point is, I'm an introvert, and I spent my youth going to parties (luv the drinking), but now I feel it was shallow, and I'm back at uni (28), isolating myself to study so I can make something of my life (I'm the type that can only do one thing at a time). So it's not the order in which you do things that matter, it's to do things so you don't have (much) regrets later on. If you want to party, you still can, go party, but let the past be the past.

Also, social skills are a little different from leadership skills, and sometimes, introverts are better at leadership than extraverts, so it's not that one-sided.

Anyway good luck, and remember you're young, you'll probably pull through with a little method.

I've always been very introverted/shy, but I've started getting out more in these last 6 months and have discovered that I'm much more socially adept than I thought, I really enjoy getting out these days.
I've also stopped caring about emotional things lately, it's a big relief, just take things as they come and enjoy whatever I'm doing.

One of my friends shared this with me lately:
The three second rule: Identify a girl you'd like to ask out, and strike up a conversation within three seconds of first seeing her. No chances to get nervous etc. The majority of this friend's partners have been made that way. It's quite fun.

TIL
　内向 = Introvert
　外向 = Extrovert

Incidentally, I made myself introvert to study Japanese. I cut of all ties with close friends and acquaintances from college. They never really shared my interest to learn a new language. Only people I talk to nowadays is family.

As a result of this, I passed N4 last Dec and determined to pass N2 this year. Then will go back to rebuilding my social life.

solwyvern Wrote:TIL
　内向 = Introvert
　外交 = Extrovert

Incidentally, I made myself introvert to study Japanese. I cut of all ties with close friends and acquaintances from college. They never really shared my interest to learn a new language. Only people I talk to nowadays is family.

As a result of this, I passed N4 last Dec and determined to pass N2 this year. Then will go back to rebuilding my social life.

Why? It's completely possible to study Japanese a damn lot and still go out every once in a while.

Introspective people make the most interesting extroverts

solwyvern Wrote:TIL
　内向 = Introvert
　外交 = Extrovert

外向, surely?

Tzadeck Wrote:Why? It's completely possible to study Japanese a damn lot and still go out every once in a while.

I'm sure this doesn't apply to everyone, but my goal is to learn the language as fast as possible. It's not 'just a leisure hobby for me anymore or take your time at your own pace.
You don't really reap the full benefit of the language if you spend all the time learning it.
The way I see it, the time you spend learning the language is an obstacle, or 障害. That's why I have to get rid of the 'learning process' as soon as I can, and turn it into 'working knowledge'.　
Imagine, there are so many more things worth doing if only you were already fluent and not having to think about it anymore.

I'm already 1.8 years in and I'm aiming for fluency in 2.5 years or less.

pm215 Wrote:

solwyvern Wrote:TIL
　内向 = Introvert
　外交 = Extrovert

外向, surely?

Yes, my mistake, fixed. I blame the IME as its the first choice that comes up with がいこう :p

I am fairly introverted and I am currently an undergraduate at a school of management. From what I observe, introverts are a minority here, but not an insignificant one. We also tend to do rather well academically, whereas extroverts have rather large discrepancies - nearly all the best and pretty much all the worst students are extroverts (although there was that one guy who was so introverted he even creeped me out, and he is on academic probation now). Most of our assignments are group projects and what I noticed is that the best groups are those that have a mixture of personalities. And I don't feel like we introverts are at a disadvantage for things like internships, because the school's contacts offer a wide variety of positions that require different kinds of skills and personalities. As dizmox said, "manager" is a pretty generic title and the range of possible activities is pretty large. Last summer I worked in an accounts department where pretty much all I did was filing and archiving paperwork. Although this summer I want to try something that will showcase my English skills - gotta live up to my reputation as the best English speaker on campus.

As for the feeling of emptiness, I have had that, although in my case it was less about the kind of life I never had and more about the kind of life I lost. I have had my share of partying due to having had some very extroverted friends back in high school. We got separated as a result of some really dumb decisions on my part, and I started my first year of college in the US having made my peace with the fact that I will have no friends there. In fact I did manage to make plenty of good friends who were all fairly introverted. Wild parties got replaced with nerdy pursuits and I liked it that way. But then the crisis started and my family's financial situation worsened, so I had to transfer the the school I am studying at right now in Russia. Now I have no friends, neither extroverts nor introverts (I do occasionally hang out with my cousin and his friends, but we have very different worldviews, so pretty much the only things we talk about are anime and music). I was in a severe depression for about six months, until I started learning Japanese. Now I guess I am just doing the things I enjoy and just don't give a damn about anything else. I would have had no second thoughts about just giving up on society and becoming a full-time hikikomori if my school studies weren't going so well. Don't know if my attitude is healthy, but it does help me enjoy my present life and not cry over spilled milk.

I skimmed most of the stuff since I don't have time to read it all through.

IceCream hit the nail on the head. Introvert/Extrovert, whatever. You are crasping at straws to explain the real problem which is YOU ARE DEPRESSED.

Depression warps our view on things in life, we see everything in the worst possible light, things lack meaning, flowers don't smell as good, food doesn't taste as sweet, everyone is doing better than you, etc etc.

If you can, sort out your depression. If you can't, get with a counselor and they can help figure out what it is that has you bummed.

For the record. Being an Introvert isn't something set in stone, you can change that. You can go out and talk to people and go to parties and have lots of dangerous awesome unprotected promiscuous sex just like an extrovert.

You aren't dead yet.

thecite Wrote:The three second rule: Identify a girl you'd like to ask out, and strike up a conversation within three seconds of first seeing her. No chances to get nervous etc. The majority of this friend's partners have been made that way. It's quite fun.

A Nice one!

Imagine that you're in Japan in a club and go out to breathe some air. There's this nice girl standing there alone.
「すみません！劣等感ってなんですか？説明してくれませんか？外国人なんですからこの言葉はわかりません」
The woman thinks: Wow, COOL!!! A foreigner who's talking to me in Japanese!!!

And by the time she takes her time, explains this (or any other) complicated word in Japanese you have already striked up a conversation with her

IceCream Wrote:btw, medication also helps with social anxiety.

Wow you've got me curious!!
Not that I usually have social anxiety...
But I hope that the medication isn't alcohol XD

Alcohol definitely helps (unless you have clinical depression, in which case it'll probably just make you more depressed).

Ugggghhhh! No! No! No!
Don't try to medicate everything away :'-(