Removed all of the content. It is now... irrelevant!

wow, your the same age as me. Turning 22 soon like me(few months). Although I can't really help you with your situation, since I'm not in a similar situation as that. Although in high school, I did get into a relationship that turned out bad. I've only been in a few relationships in my entire life. So I'm not the best person to give advice.

You could defer your enrollment to a semester later and spend that time in Japan. If your school is anything like the ones in California, you might not even be able to get classes your first semester anyways. Although she is probably living with her parents so living with her isn't an option, nor a good idea anyways. You can stay at a guest house for about 6万 a month though.

Though you only mentioned "talking" in your post. Are you sure the feeling is mutual, have you dated her?

Edit: Forgot to mention that you should check your schools demographics. The community college I went to over here had a lot of Japanese exchange students.

Why not just tentatively continue the relationship online while simultaneously pursuing other options and see what happens? If you're still interested in her or you don't find yourself interested in someone new (at uni or elsewhere) then you can visit her in Japan sometime during the year or she can come visit you. But make sure she's actually romantically interested in you rather than just viewing you as her friend in America.

nadiatims Wrote:Why not just tentatively continue the relationship online while simultaneously pursuing other options and see what happens? If you're still interested in her or you don't find yourself interested in someone new (at uni or elsewhere) then you can visit her in Japan sometime during the year or she can come visit you. But make sure she's actually romantically interested in you rather than just viewing you as her friend in America.

I agree stay as friends until you have the chance to have a normal relationship.
I don't think long distance relationships work well although I have a Japanese friend who lives in London and her boyfriend is Swizz living in Switzerland and it seems to work OK. They see each other at least once every six weeks though.

I would say the opposite of one of the earlier replies saying delay your college and live in Japan for a bit... DO NOT let a relationship get in the way of your education.

Good luck anyway!

Don't listen to the negativity, if you both want it to work it can.
I'm in a long distance relationship now, me and my girlfriend have been together just over 14 months, I've spent the last 4 of these in Japan. I'm not going to lie, it sucks, and it's hard, there's is temptation to falter everywhere, but guess what. We're coping. It's doable, if you want to do it. But you need the right mindset about it. If you think it's all going to be sunshine and rainbows your in for a shock, but if your realistic about the situation then there's no saying it can't succeed.

I realise your situation isn't the same as mine, and I had 10 months of practically living with my girlfriend (well at weekends) to fall back on, but if you think it's something you'd like to do, then go for it. Stop thinking and just do it, people let too many awesome opportunities pass "thinking" about them, rather than just doing them and letting it work itself out. In the past I was very guilty of this myself, and have regrets about it, hence why I urge you, if you feel this way about the girl, take a swing, if you come up short, you come up short, live moves on, but if it works, then it will all be worth it.

Long distance is a strain, but as long as you enter it with your eyes open, its possible.

You my friend are a lame duck. Don't run your life based on emotions, especially something as fleeting as "love". I personally don't base my relationships on fantasy magical connections that don't really exist. Sometimes people get along, sometimes people don't, and certain people have a propensity to get along more often. There is not a mystical connection, don't be a primitive.

I don't know is it something with the japanese or just humans,
but the japanese exchange students here who have had their boyfirend/girlfriend left behind in japan all somewhy mystically end up without their other half before the end of the exchange year.

1 year is too long it seems.

I think they can work, but only as a temporary measure, and when the foundation for a long-term relationship is already there. It doesn't sound like either of these applies to you. You've only spent a few days together, and you're asking her to commit the next 4+ years of her young life to someone she'll see once or twice a year. Who's to say you'll be able to be together after that? It's a bit difficult to continue such a strenuous relationship that requires so much trust when there's no light at the end of the tunnel. It may be hard, but you do need to be a bit of a realist and think about the best long-term option for both of you while there isn't so much invested.

Yonosa Wrote:I personally don't base my relationships on fantasy magical connections that don't really exist. Sometimes people get along, sometimes people don't, and certain people have a propensity to get along more often. There is not a mystical connection, don't be a primitive.

I get along with my work colleagues, but it doesn't go past an after-work drink. I get along with my friends, but I couldn't spend every day with them. With my girlfriend, though, I feel like I can cut the BS and just be myself, and so does she. When I realised that, I would've described it figuratively as a "connection". I don't know if your current OS has a metaphor module, but us humans like to use words like that quite often.

Javizy Wrote:I think they can work, but only as a temporary measure, and when the foundation for a long-term relationship is already there.

Yeh, this. Totally agree, but only if you have realistic long term goals of being together, i.e. you intend to be together one day in the not so distant future. Love can conquer all, but at the same time there are limits.

I did a long term relationship for 2 years, (after 1 year of dating normally) but even then it was only half the country apart (so we saw each other every 1-2 weeks). Honestly it was hell, as even the time you spend together is tainted by fact that you're going to be separated again. It worked ok though, as we spoke on phone or ICQ most days - now you kids have Skype and video chat it should be much easier.

Honestly though maybe you're thinking about this too early - confess first, then worry about what to do *together*..

Yonosa Wrote:You my friend are a lame duck. Don't run your life based on emotions, especially something as fleeting as "love". I personally don't base my relationships on fantasy magical connections that don't really exist.

The only way you can believe that love doesn't exist is if you've never felt it. I genuinely feel sorry for you..

Yonosa Wrote:You my friend are a lame duck. Don't run your life based on emotions, especially something as fleeting as "love". I personally don't base my relationships on fantasy magical connections that don't really exist. Sometimes people get along, sometimes people don't, and certain people have a propensity to get along more often. There is not a mystical connection, don't be a primitive.

Yonosa, your comments are always great to read.

Been there, done that. I'd save yourself the time and trouble. I've also seen a lot of people in long distance relationships over the years.

There are two scenarios when it comes to long distance relationships.

1: It's temporary for ~6 months due to circumstances - this situation is doable, tough but doable and can work out in the end. - it's worth the shot.

2: you live in one country, they live in another (may or may not have met yet) and it looks like it will be years before you can actually be together. - these fail 100% of the time. I don't even feel it's justified to give people that 1% of hope that I know they'll foolishly cling too.

Unfortunately you're in situation number 2.

My advice, cut your losses and move on. It's emotionally efficient.

nadiatims Wrote:Why not just tentatively continue the relationship online while simultaneously pursuing other options and see what happens? If you're still interested in her or you don't find yourself interested in someone new (at uni or elsewhere) then you can visit her in Japan sometime during the year or she can come visit you. But make sure she's actually romantically interested in you rather than just viewing you as her friend in America.

...Isn't this cheating?

Sometimes it is good to be practical, and save a lot of heart-ache... Then again, some of us don't learn without trying things and finding out for ourselves.

My opinion is that "the one" doesn't really exist. "Love" feels nice, but at some stage it will involve an element of choice. There are probably a whole bunch of people who you could be happy in a relationship with. I'd say wait for a girl who you can get to know properly first, and be friends with. Which is not something easy to do in separate countries...

Ice cream has a very good point!

To know what do next I think you have to make clear to yourself what love means to you. This video has a very good point about attachment and addiction. It also concerns love.

Ram Dass has other good talks about love, but can't find a right one on youtube...

I'm going to repeat whats pretty much already been said just to make it resound some more.

With long distance stuff if you have no strong prior connections (ex: marriage, or relationship of 3 years) and you won't see each other every 3-6 months, don't bother. I am a firm believer that relationships require a physical component (not sex necessarily, simply seeing each other in person is fine) to have any lasting strength.
I've seen a number of long distance relationships, they are time consuming and often times mentally and emotionally draining.

Advice: Don't do it. Simply stay friends, keep in contact, practice Japanese. If the stars align, moon rises red, etc etc, and in 3 years or whenever; you still are both single and have feelings and can move--Then start a relationship.
Having yellow fever (I got it too) you'll see this as a chance you'll never get again or something like that, but I can assure you, it WILL come again. Having been to Japan I can assure you there is no end to nice cute looking girls, they won't suddenly dry up.

Focus on your life and your own personal goals in life FIRST. Finish college! At least then the option of being an English teacher in Japan opens up to you (you need a BA/BS for a work visa). Do not live for someone else, live for yourself.

As another 22 year old male, I'd love to give my insight, but I'm pretty sure my views will come across as sexist and make me seem like a complete a-hole. I'm neither, but every time I explain my view people misconstrue it. So, if you are truly interested, send me a PM.

I'll just say one thing here: Long distance relationships are usually very difficult, and ultimately not worth it. It will become more like a penpal you can say "I love you" to. That being said, I have two friends of similar age who are currently in long term (read: 3+ years) relationships with Japanese girls in a long distance capacity. That also being said, I am good friends will all 4 parties and know that they all "cheat" (in quotations since I believe cheating is an archaic notion).

vix86 Wrote:Focus on your life and your own personal goals in life FIRST. Finish college! At least then the option of being an English teacher in Japan opens up to you (you need a BA/BS for a work visa). Do not live for someone else, live for yourself.

" study and work til you die" Is one of the things that our culture and society tells us, but I think that you won't be saved if you only do what our society tells you to do. As vix86 says focus on your personal goals. Finding your other half can also be one of them.
You didn't come to live on this planet to work and study until you're dead, did you?

But anyways as IceCream said, it's important to get to now her better. Before you start thinking of changing the goals you had before you met her, you have to find out whether she really is the right person. The illusion that you love someone happens quite often, but it's not always real love. I don't think you want to spend the rest of your life with a person who is not the best mate.

So if you really have a strong connection, then you will talk with each other as friends anyways, as long as you're both interested in talking with each other. During this period you will find out more about her and vice versa. And then you will probably know what to do next.

@TheWingster: A wise man told me once, life is about taking chances. A chance can also be a risk, but sometimes it can change your whole life, postively, but also negatively.

Quote:2: you live in one country, they live in another (may or may not have met yet) and it looks like it will be years before you can actually be together. - these fail 100% of the time. I don't even feel it's justified to give people that 1% of hope that I know they'll foolishly cling too.

I'm 17 now and I had the pleasure to meet a japanese exchange student at my school. I want to keep this brief, so, first both of us did not know if it's something beyond friendship, because there was this giant distance of almost 11,000km away, Japan to Germany. We took the chance and we made our decision, as she is determined, being half-german, to come back here and study here, as her father was also doing for almost 16 years. It depends always on the situation you are in. The worst thing you could do - and I experienced it - is not to take ANY decision. Regardless whether you will regret the decision, because it was wrong, or whether you will enjoy your "entire" life (that was exaggerated, I know, but we/I expect you to be very happy, ne ) with her; only what matters is the decision itself, nothing else. I wish you good luck, you can always email me. We are together now for almost 2 years and are seeing us every 6 months (she was here right now for 14 days, which is never enough, but though.. rufueling power and energy).

Tori-kun Wrote:@TheWingster: A wise man told me once, life is about taking chances.

Haha, It can be seen that 鳥君 likes everything associated with birds. He even made TheVinster into TheWingster

You might want to watch this moivie:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Japanese_Wife

jettyke Wrote:Finding your other half can also be one of them.
You didn't come to live on this planet to work and study until you're dead, did you?

The illusion that you love someone happens quite often, but it's not always real love.

Just want to say there is a difference between having "findings your SO" as a goal and thinking "I must quickly graduate and ignore all other things and rush to Japan to be with this sole person who I think is most defiantly my soul mate!"

The "love" statement is quite nonsensical if you believe love is an emotion; let me demonstrate with unloaded words:
"The illusion that you are happy/sad happens quite often, but it's not always real happy/sadness."
"The illusion that something is green happens quite often, but it's not always real green."

Yonosa Wrote:You my friend are a lame duck. Don't run your life based on emotions, especially something as fleeting as "love". I personally don't base my relationships on fantasy magical connections that don't really exist. Sometimes people get along, sometimes people don't, and certain people have a propensity to get along more often. There is not a mystical connection, don't be a primitive.

Just because something is imaginary doesn't mean it isn't real. Try to read Lacan please.

Just scanning over this thread real quickly I'd thought I'd put my 2 cents in about long distance relationships. Guess what? They can work just fine! I met my wife when I was on vacation for a month in Tokyo. She was an employee for Tokyo Tower at the time. After my vacation was over we kept in touch for about a year over Skype. She then came to America for about a week and met my family and what not. After that she returned home and we continued to keep in touch over Skype. Several months after that I returned to Japan for another month when I asked her to marry me. She said yes and came to America about a year later and then we finally got married here. We both never cheated on each other the entire time and everything worked out. I have another friend in my Japanese class in college that is doing about the same thing I did with his girlfriend. Long distance relationships are perfectly possible with the power of the net these days .

jettyke Wrote:You didn't come to live on this planet to work and study until you're dead, did you?

Of course not.

I don't plan on dying.