As far as I know, the Japanese are constantly giving out gifts. I guess there must be a detailed etiquette, but I'm not well informed in this.

The situation is as follows: a Japanese pen-friend of mine is coming to my country next month, and she's going to stay here for a year to study my language. I'm the only one she knows here, so I'm probably going to be the person she will rely on, at least at the beginning. Now, I'm quite sure she will bring some kind of gift. It's pretty obvious, and she actually asked me what I wanted (to which I politely replied that I didn't want anything).

I wonder if I'm expected to or not to give her a present, too. And, in the former case, how "big"?
It's not that I don't want to buy her a present, but I don't want to do something that looks strange or exaggerated. If there's no "expected behaviour", then I'll decide on my own, and I'll probably give her something.
Can someone with experience in this give me a hint?

Don't give anything too big or expensive. Most of the gifts that Japanese people tend to give are small. I don't know what area you live in, but think about what the place you live in is known for. For example, if your city is known for making great pies, then give her a pie. If your city is known for making fancy handkerchiefs, then give a handkerchief etc.

Don't give anything too big because there's a good chance you will make her feel awkward.

Yup, he pretty much just answered everything.

Every region in Japan is famous for something, and it's usually that something that people buy as presents when they go to said place (for example, I tend to buy Akabeko for people I visit outside of Fukushima). So just get something inexpensive that your locality is known for.

Ok, so I take it that I'm expected to give something, even though she is the one moving to my city?
I live in Rome, but it's not famous for something that can be bought... I'll have to think of something

well, you could always convert her into the catholic faith. That's a "local gift," and who would argue that salvation isn't the best gift EVER? edit2: you say Rome isn't famous for anything can be bought, but...isn't the Catholic church selling indulgences again?...

lol, just kidding...

But, seriously, I got my host sister some homemade sesame street finger puppet things from my hometown when I stayed with them in Japan. When I stayed with them, they gave me two things that would remind me of my stay with them:
1) the chopsticks I used everyday when I was w/ them--an amazing gift.
2) a cd of this song (okaeri I'm home...) that we heard like 1000 times everywhere we went in Japan. Lame, but that song brings back memories.

So you should give something that will remind her of her stay.

edit: she'll probably be like "oh, no! don't get me anything!"--but it's sort of expected that you do get her something.

nac_est Wrote:Ok, so I take it that I'm expected to give something, even though she is the one moving to my city?
I live in Rome, but it's not famous for something that can be bought... I'll have to think of something

You make it sound as though giving her a gift would be out of place.

Consider it a welcome present. In Rome I think you have plenty of options. Why not get her some sort of religious icon? A rosary or a small statuette or something?

It doesn't matter if she gives a hoot about christianity, I'm sure she'll appreciate it.

No, I just wanted to know if it's out of place for them. Anyway, the "welcome present" point of view does the job for me, so I'll get her something.
Actually I'm atheist so I'm not really interested in buying those religious things, but I'll definitely find something. I wasn't worried about what to buy, anyway.
Thanks for the feedback!

Food is always a safe bet. I've actually never gotten anything but food since I've been here. If there's some sort of special candy or treat that is pre-packaged in small servings that's the most typical.

Alright, here's another gift query:

I have a friend who was studying in America (Japanese) this year. She came to my house to stay multiple times, for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. So now when I go study in Japan in 2 weeks, she really wants me to come and stay at her house for some time. She lives with only her mom. So the question is, what do I bring for her mom? I am from New York, and she has brought my parents some really nice bowls from Japan. So I assume I need something equally as nice, right?

yeah, price isn't such a huge issue. As long as it's cute and memorable, you should be fine.

Often when a gift is given, a somewhat lesser gift is given in return - which could also be reciprocated. Otherwise the gift-giving would escalate and continue ad infinitum, resulting in M.A.D. (Mutually Assured Debt).

As mentioned, sweets and locally famous items are typical. But I agree that a gift that lasts would be great. Italian leather coin-purse?

Of course, in Rome, her best gifts will be memories... take lots of photos the first week and make a simple album for her.

yukkuri_kame Wrote:Of course, in Rome, her best gifts will be memories... take lots of photos the first week and make a simple album for her.

This is a great idea, I think. I've seen Japanese people do the same, so I'm sure it's appropriate.

It takes a bit more effort than simply buying a little thing, however!

If I recall correctly, better to not wrap any gifts in white - the color is associated with death & funerals.

Why not give her a book on learning the Italian language, preferably in Japanese?

I disagree. I wouldn't give her anything. The reason she's giving you a gift is because she will be indebted to you during her time in your country. She will ask you for help and giving a gift is the appropriate way for her to say これからお世話になりますので、宜しくお願いします。

If you give her a gift then it tilts the scales back onto her and she'll feel awkward. It will definitely mean that you get a gift if you meet her in Japan.

I'd be nice and help her out and leave it at that. I'd also introduce her to local food and culture but don't make it feel like a gift, make it feel like hospitality.

That's my advice anyway. If you go to Japan, that's when you should take a gift with you.

Having said the above, it's probably good to give her something when she leaves, as a souvenir. The Japanese are all about their omiyages.

wrightak,
I was thinking something along those lines, and that's why I opened this topic. I seems however that it's a matter of "international" common sense, rather than a Japanese custom.
Perhaps the best thing for me to do is find something that will be useful to her in her stay (like the one phauna suggested, for example), that can be considered a "welcome gift". But it must be something small.
Challenging!

Nac_est,

I think a small welcome gift would be a nice gesture but definitely do not fork out big money for it - it would just create awkwardness. With that in mind I have the perfect solution for you:

Buy a big tourist map of Rome (or even better whole rome region) with all the famous landmarks etc graphically depicted.

Something like this:
http://www.centralromehotels.net/map/rome_map.jpg But make sure it is biiiiig.

Also buy a box of colourful pin tacks. This way your friend can add a pin everytime they visit somewhere famous and can also see what they may have missed.

It's cheap but I guarantee they will love it as it's thoughtful and also a bit of fun.

If you can afford to (but not necessary) get it laminated, mounted on a cork board and add some hanging hooks.

Of course the best gift you will give her though is being her guide on arrival.

P.S. First post - just done over 1800 kanji in 2 months so thought should give some payback to the community for this awesome site

wrightak Wrote:Having said the above, it's probably good to give her something when she leaves, as a souvenir. The Japanese are all about their omiyages.

Speaking of the word おみやげ, I was talking to my Japanese friend last night questioning her what I should get for her mother, and after I said the word おみやげ she said I sounded like I was 3 years old and said that おみやげ is really kid-like speech. Has anyone else encountered this?

Well for me おみやげ is i still a word i hear regularly.

Everytime we go visit the in-laws we basically have to take a whole seperate suitcase of おみやげ. The wife even saves up the paper bags from her numerous purchases from UK department stores so (the bulk purchased gifts) can be suitably be distributed to the neighbourhood/friends/relatives/prime minister.

Anyway wife confirms that as far as she is concerned it's still normal to use - but hey we're mid 30's+ (and out of country) so maybe it's just not cool to say it anymore.

Yeah, maybe it just evolved. Well, I'll see my friend tomorrow, so I'll ask for some more clarification and post my findings here.

Ryuujin27 Wrote:Speaking of the word おみやげ, I was talking to my Japanese friend last night questioning her what I should get for her mother, and after I said the word おみやげ she said I sounded like I was 3 years old and said that おみやげ is really kid-like speech. Has anyone else encountered this?

This sounds really wrong to me. Working in a school office, I hear the word constantly. Not to mention, every famous town in Japan has stores everywhere that say おみやげ all over 'em. Though, I'll ask someone when I get the chance. But still, seems very common.

Could have been the context I was using it in, asking what kind of souvenir I should bring. But yeah, that's what she said. Struck me as odd too since our teachers always told us that word. But then again, one of those (native speaking) teachers tried to argue that 雰囲気 is NEVER pronounced ふいんき >_>

Sounds strange to me too. The context was probably important. Maybe your tone wasn't right. Definitely nothing wrong with the word.

Ryuujin27 Wrote:But then again, one of those (native speaking) teachers tried to argue that 雰囲気 is NEVER pronounced ふいんき >_>

It's not. When I say that, I don't mean that there's no 'nk' sound - I think you can hear that. But that's different from the ん sound. This is because the ん, like all hiragana, last for a certain amount of time. I reckon the 'fu' lasts for two beats, and the き at the end sounds more like nki and not ki. So maybe something like fuuinki.

So I reckon that's probably why the teacher refuses to acknowledge it. Transcribing what you're hearing as ふいんき implies the initial fu only lasts one beat, which it definitely doesn't, and that the 'n' sound that your hearing lasts longer than it does.

Ryuujin27 Wrote:

wrightak Wrote:Having said the above, it's probably good to give her something when she leaves, as a souvenir. The Japanese are all about their omiyages.

Speaking of the word おみやげ, I was talking to my Japanese friend last night questioning her what I should get for her mother, and after I said the word おみやげ she said I sounded like I was 3 years old and said that おみやげ is really kid-like speech. Has anyone else encountered this?

Yes, I have heard this, too. Amongst city-dwellers and younger people, the only time they seem to use おみやげ is for souvenirs brought home from a trip. プレゼント seems to be much more popular for presents, in general.

You can always ask this question on http://www.lang-8.com and get a sampled response from native Japanese.