Yeah. That would eliminate most ambiguity as well as help in comprehension. And telling the number of the kanji you stopped at as well.

Added a translation and indicated the number of the kanji I stopped at (20).

Tobberoth Wrote:

playadom Wrote:かのじょは「学生とやる気がない」といった。「もう九人の学生とやったがあるんだから休みたい」。

「学生とやれば九円玉をあげるよ！」

Completely screwed up -- it deserves to not exist. Furthermore, I probably made about 5 grammatical errors per sentence. Ah what the heck.

Other than やったがあるん it was allright. It should be やったことがあるん.

Bahahah I know that. I wasn't paying attention - a stupid, ignorant mistake. I was probably worrying too much about people throwing things at me for posting such a dirty story. =D

kazelee Wrote:Yeah. That would eliminate most ambiguity as well as help in comprehension. And telling the number of the kanji you stopped at as well.

Uhh, I probably shouldn't translate my story.

え、マジっすか？（ﾟдﾟ；）　やっぱりそうだったか、そうだったな、そうか解釈が当たったよな。キワドくなくしてちょっと悪いな。

話、ずれちゃったのでここまでに。

playadom Wrote:

kazelee Wrote:Yeah. That would eliminate most ambiguity as well as help in comprehension. And telling the number of the kanji you stopped at as well.

Uhh, I probably shouldn't translate my story.

So you mean it was what I thought it was :o !!!

For shame.... lol

犬は花火のひざ口を付けて、何時ですか、と聞いた。
花火は私の方を見ている、「何」と聞いた。
私は「何も言わない。犬がしゃべる。」と答えた。
円円は「ﾊﾞｶ、僕たちが聞いた。三時だ。」と言った。
「バカじゃないよ。犬が聞いた。犬。」と思い切った声で言った。
「バカ、バカ、バカ」と言った。円円と花火笑った。
「黙って」とイチは叫んだ。「犬が話すことできる。僕と学校に行くも。左耳の後ろはタツウがいる。」

The dog put its mouth on Hanabi's lap, and asked "What time is it?"
Hanabi looked and me and asked "What"
"I said nothing,　it was the dog" I responded.
"Stupid, we heard you. It's 3 o'clock," said Enmaru.
"I ain't stupid," I said firmly.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid," he said, with Hanabi laughing with him.
"Silence," shouted Ichi. "That dog has the ability to talk. It also goes to school with me. There is a tattoo behind his left ear.

25

kazelee Wrote:犬は花火のラップ口を付けて、何時ですか、と聞いた。

犬は花火のひざに口を付けて（のせて？）・・・

Quote:花火は自分を見ている、「何」と聞いた。

花火は自分を見て（いて）・・・

（自分って、犬のこと？　Are we going from the dog's POV?）

Quote:自分は「何も言わない。犬が。」と答えた。

自分は「何も言っていない」と答えた。

Since the dog was asked a question, I think you might not need the 自分は since it's obvious who would be answering.

Quote:「バカじゃないよ。犬が聞いた。犬。」と自分は思い切った声で言った。

「バカじゃないよ」と自分は思い切った声で言った。

Were the extra 犬s there for a particular reason?

Quote:「黙って」とイチは叫んだ。「犬が話すことできる。僕と学校に行くも。左耳の後ろはタツウがいる。」

「黙って」とイチは叫んだ。「この犬が話すことができる。それに僕と学校に行く。左耳の後ろにはタトゥーがある（いれずみをしている）。」

Are you wanting to say the dog put its mouth to her lap? The way it's worded sounds kinda ew...

Without much context for 自分 I thought you were saying she looked at herself at first.

Quote:Without much context for 自分 I thought you were saying she looked at herself at first.

自分 is supposed to refer to the previous は, so it is kinda messed up.

自分 is the main character.　It'll change it to 私.

Tons of errors in the Japanese so far. For example:
「バカ、バカ、バカ」と花火も笑って言った。
Would mean " "idiot, idiot, idiot", Hanabi said, laughing. "

I know. Suggestions please.

Actually, if you guys want to continue, we can. What I'm thinking is that it would be a whole lot easier to just type the whole story for the grade. Once it's finished I/we can submit it to a site where natives look over it an correct it.

Tobberoth Wrote:Tons of errors in the Japanese so far. For example:
「バカ、バカ、バカ」と花火も笑って言った。
Would mean " "idiot, idiot, idiot", Hanabi said, laughing. "

Oh T, must you insist on being a killjoy? Relax a little into the spirit of creativity and fun.
As for the sentence, I can imagine a circumstance in which it would be appropriate and realistic (big wink).

Have you considered writing this on lang-8? It would be best to have a native read it.

Several things look off to me, but I personally don't feel comfortable offering suggestions since there is a probability my Japanese would sound just as awkward.

A couple of things:
花火は私を見ている、「何」と聞いた。
She is looking at me, and asked, "What."
Take off the いる, if you do want it, it would be 見ていて but somehow I don't feel that's what you were wanting to say.

何も言わない。
"I won't say anything." Present/future tense.
「何も言わない。犬が。」
Somehow to me adding 犬が made it sound like it's saying the dog won't say anything.
"It won't say anything. The dog."

Perhaps these would be better?
何も言ってないよ！その犬がしゃべった。　
何も言わなかったよ！その犬がしゃべった。

Somehow しゃべる sounds better to me for saying the dog spoke, though I'm not sure why.

Thora Wrote:

Tobberoth Wrote:Tons of errors in the Japanese so far. For example:
「バカ、バカ、バカ」と花火も笑って言った。
Would mean " "idiot, idiot, idiot", Hanabi said, laughing. "

Oh T, must you insist on being a killjoy? Relax a little into the spirit of creativity and fun.
As for the sentence, I can imagine a circumstance in which it would be appropriate and realistic (big wink).

I'm just saying, there's errors in it. Not just that it sounds unnatural, which pretty much all of it does, but there are real grammatical errors in it. What if someone who's new to Japanese comes here and reads it and think it's alright?

And personally, I think if you're going to write Japanese sentences with a learning goal, you would welcome comments such as mine. Instead of people ignoring errors so the person making them is fooled into thinking they are fine, I simply say there are errors in it. Hopefully, that someone will take it upon themselves to learn from it and correct the errors.

Anyways, if you want to continue writing incorrect Japanese and have it all corrected later (which might be a good idea), this forum might not be the best place. How about making a Google Docs document which can be edited by anyone? That way the people here can contribute and work together, without incorrect Japanese being posted. Then the document can be posted on Lang-8 or in other places where natives can go over the errors.

KristinHolly Wrote:Given that this site teaches kanji meanings rather than grammar or even vocabulary, perhaps it would be easier to do an English language story with specific words replaced by kanji (as in the picture stories in the "Highlights for Children" magazine). That way, people from all levels could take part.

Something like:

昔, there was a 翁 and an 婆 who lived in a 村 by the 海.

If you can't figure out the story, you can try plugging it into the reading section or using a Firefox extension to reveal the hidden words.

Perhaps worth a try? Might increase the flow, comprehension, fun and still be a good vocab exercise. (Though reading the thread was quite humorous!) You could included compounds (as well as single kanji) and fudge the verb conjugations. K's chain story is a good idea...people seem to wonderfully imaginative even with 5 random words. (R rated stuff aside...)

Edit: this was actually my reply before seeing Tobberoth's post above. I think we were on the same page...just for different reasons.

Thora Wrote:(R rated stuff aside...)

Hey, I was very limited in what I had to work with...

Tobberoth Wrote:

Thora Wrote:

Tobberoth Wrote:Tons of errors in the Japanese so far. For example:
「バカ、バカ、バカ」と花火も笑って言った。
Would mean " "idiot, idiot, idiot", Hanabi said, laughing. "

Oh T, must you insist on being a killjoy? Relax a little into the spirit of creativity and fun.
As for the sentence, I can imagine a circumstance in which it would be appropriate and realistic (big wink).

I'm just saying, there's errors in it. Not just that it sounds unnatural, which pretty much all of it does, but there are real grammatical errors in it. What if someone who's new to Japanese comes here and reads it and think it's alright?

We already know this. Pointing it out over and over with no suggestions is fruitless. I'm certain no one new to Japanese will come to this topic and read it and think it's correct as it's been stated that it is not correct so many times.

It seems like KristinHolly's idea will get things moving faster, and avoid the "that's wrong" posts that follow.

Once we finish each grade I guess I'll translate the other parts and post it on Lang8 for corrections. The full Japanese story can added to the first post of this topic.

Quote:Hey, I was very limited in what I had to work with...

Heheheh. Not really a problem... for me that is... other might not be so understanding.

Anyone wanna start from 26?

ah...Tobberoth, I understand. My comment was meant as good natured teasing about tone - not criticism of content. (Amidst the silliness, your very first post just struck me kind of amusing in its seriousness, the second was somehow comically blunt.) My apology if this was unclear or inappropriate. You can see by my simultaneous post that we were actually on the same page. Others were indeed providing corrections, however. I just agreed with KH that it might flow better as a vocab game rather than full sentences. peace

[now back to your story - sorry]