Hi,

There is a girl that I have been seeing that I really like. But things didn't progress beyond just holding hands. She visited me at my apartment but wasn't up for anything physical, so I took it she wanted to be just friends. (Where I'm from I would have expected to at least kiss if there was any interest in being more than friends)

As far as I know in Japan things don't progress naturally as in the west, but at some point you need to confess and ask to 付き合う, like a barrier to need to overcome. So that's what I did and after two days of thinking time she responded positively. This whole situation was pretty awkward for me and it surprised me that this was such a big decision for her that she would take some time to think about it (or maybe it's a bad sign?).

I suppose by Japanese definition she is now my girlfriend but by my definition she isn't really, yet (a girl who I haven't even hugged, yet let alone anything else isn't really a girlfriend). I haven't met her since and I'm confused how the fact that we are now 付き合ってる changes anything? Does it mean the next time she visits me it will be ok to get closer? Or does 付き合う just mean we continue dating but we are exclusive now?

Perhaps I'm thinking too much about this but I only get to see her like once every two weeks so I want to make the most of it.
I appreciate any advice. Thanks!

Now you should be able to make some moves on her, and probably kiss. But in general people in Japan aren't as touchy early on in a relationship, compared with Americans etc. Or, really, even far into a relationship in some ways--you don't generally hug when you first meet or even to say goodbye if it's in public. Some girls seem okay with sleeping together directly after you start つき合っているing, and some don't. If she's shy or slow moving even kissing might not happen right away. But feel free to try a bit more forwardly.

In general though, the relationship will probably fizzle out if you don't get physical at all in the next few meetings. Kind of like dating in America--if it doesn't happen for long enough it's never gonna happen.

Tzadeck Wrote:In general though, the relationship will probably fizzle out if you don't get physical at all in the next few meetings. Kind of like dating in America--if it doesn't happen for long enough it's never gonna happen.

This is very, very solid advice. I spent my first few months in Japan being super confused because girls would go on dates with me, we'd have a great time, and then I would never hear from them again. The main reason was because I never tried anything and they all ended up assuming I'm not interested.

Also, in my experience anyway, holding hands is pretty huge for girls here. Even my wife isn't super into holding my hand all of the time in public because it's a form of PDA for her. Obviously each girl will have a different opinion on this but I feel like it's slightly more interment here than back in the States.

Most Japanese girls do not wants to date boys to be friends, they probably already have plenty of friends, they are looking for the other stuff.

Yeah--to clarify, every time I started 付き合っているing with a girl I slept with her on the next date, but I've heard from both my male friends and female Japanese friends that it can take longer sometimes (Maybe I'm a bit forward? Haha). One of my friends was 付き合っているing a girl for more than a month before they even kissed, and it took a few months for them to actually sleep together. That long seems on the extreme side though. It's much more likely to die out if it takes that long, like I said.

I'd say go for a kiss in the next date and more if she seems into it. It won't happen in public or semi-private, so you need to be somewhere completely private like an apartment.

Thank you for the advice! That info was just what I was looking for. I thought it probably depends on the person as well, but anyway I will take the fact that she agreed to 付き合う with me as a sign that it's okay to make a move now.
Next time she comes to my apartment I will know what to do. :)

I really think it depends on the person you are dating.
Let me share my story.

I was introduced my Japanese wife through a mutual friend.
Two days later we went on date. I proposed 結婚前提で付き合う.
A week later, we slept together, 6 months later, we got married or what Japanese call スピード婚.

So yea, it really depends on the person you are dating...