Hi everyone,

I'm thinking about moving back to Japan, or at least spending some significant time there in the near future. I lived there for a couple years before, and while I loved it, I don't think I branched out enough socially, so that's something I'm thinking about for next time.

Back in the U.S., I've started to use some of the popular dating sites (okcupid, etc.). These always seemed weird to me in the past, but now that I'm well out of school and not meeting many new people through work, they make a lot more sense to me. Are there sites like this in Japan? And maybe more importantly, have they become normal in the way they're becoming in the U.S. (in other words, are there not only crazy people but also normal/sane people using them)?

I've searched this forum and elsewhere a bit, but the main ones I've seen seem to be all in English and targeted at foreign men and gaijin-hunter-ish women. I'd much rather find some sites in Japanese, with a greater variety of people. I've used Mixi a little, but from what I've seen it's not really targeted at meeting new people. I'm going to try to check out some language exchange sites again, but those also seem a bit different from what I'm looking for, since they're so focused on studying/language, as opposed to meeting people, dating, etc.

I'm not only looking for dating sites, but also ways of meeting friends in general. And yes, I know I'll have to build up my social life once I'm already in Japan, and not on the Internet. But like I said, I was there before, and had some trouble being really social and finding people with similar interests at times, so I'm just trying to plan ahead and explore other options.

Thanks in advance for any suggestions! Happy New Year!

Japan-guide.com has a friends section where you can post ads, or respond to peoples', and so on. Surely most people there are looking for a future relationship of some sort, and at the very least will entertain you with their friendship. They also have a section for language learning, which you apparently want to avoid, so I believe this separation of ads will help you find friendship and not someone who just wants to keep forcing English on you. I've started talking to a few people through japan-guide but have not yet met anybody who I've talked to more than a few times. Actually if there's a straight-up free Japanese relationship site comparable to OkCupid I'd like to know as well.

Some people still think of dating sites as weird but I don't. It's hard for someone like me to meet new people due to my lack of confidence or whatever. I don't drink, party, or any of that which just furthers the problem.

I know yahoo has one though I don't know anything about it. Just look for 出会い・お見合いサイト or something like that and see what pops up.

Simple enough, come to Japan. Get a keitai/smartphone, don't spam filter, use a very easy address. They'll find YOU!

You might not want them to though.

So you're going to be a hermit the rest of your life and
only date girls via online sites. Good luck.

I think you're better off joining some local activity groups.

For example:

**Go to international english parties (they're full of japanese girls looking for foreign boyfriends).
**Try to join some groups on meetup.com.
**Take some cooking classes (I'm always the only guy in a class packed with women).
**Join a community service group. (good chance to make real friends while having fun).
**Enroll in group exercise classes. (good looking women taking care of their body).
**Go to international english parties. Majority of women there are looking for foreign boyfriends. if you look at "Hiragana Times" Magazine, they have english parties every month.

Most of the above are filled with women.
You should have no trouble finding new women with the above.
You'll constantly be meeting new women at every event.

chamcham Wrote:**Take some cooking classes (I'm always the only guy in a class packed with women).

Have you done this in Japan? I was looking to take cooking classes in order to make friends while learning how to cook, but all the classes I found were either really expensive, or no men allowed.

chamcham Wrote:So you're going to be a hermit the rest of your life and
only date girls via online sites. Good luck.

Not everybody is a "group" type person. Some people are more reserved, "one-on-one" type people. I don't see anything wrong with using dating sites and obviously since he is hoping to actually date women then he's not planning on being a hermit. A lot of people meet their spouses online nowadays.

chamcham Wrote:So you're going to be a hermit the rest of your life and
only date girls via online sites. Good luck.

Because I knew someone was going to respond like chamcham, I wrote this in my first post: "And yes, I know I'll have to build up my social life once I'm already in Japan, and not on the Internet."

I'm well aware there are ways to meet people in Japan in person. And I plan to do that too. But that's not what this thread is about. I already have ideas for that stuff (and was doing them when I lived there). I'm looking for different ideas now (dating sites, etc.).

Also "international English parties" where a bunch of Japanese girls are looking for foreign boyfriends are not super appealing. I mean I'm sure you can meet nice people at some of those events, but that kind of reminds me those sites targeted at gaijin-hunters... don't really want to meet people who are just trying to meet any foreigner they can find, you know?

Thanks for the japan-guide idea. I'm checking that out and it seems like there are a lot of nice people using it, but it's obviously not set up as a dating site or anything like that (no pictures, minimal profiles, etc.). I'll try it out for meeting some friends though.

partner55083777 Wrote:

chamcham Wrote:**Take some cooking classes (I'm always the only guy in a class packed with women).

Have you done this in Japan? I was looking to take cooking classes in order to make friends while learning how to cook, but all the classes I found were either really expensive, or no men allowed.

No, I haven't taken classes in Japan.

For finding classes all over Japan, go here:
http://www.cookingschool-navi.net/

There are classes that allow men. Try to find a small home cooking class with no more than 10 students. With a handful of students, it's very easy to get familiar with people. Over time, you'll meet new students and also recognize people from previous classes (good for building friendships).

I would avoid private one-on-one classes or private group lessons. You want a class that new people often enroll in every time.

chamcham Wrote:So you're going to be a hermit the rest of your life and
only date girls via online sites. Good luck.

Nobody is impressed with the fact that you think you are better than other people.

Tzadeck Wrote:

chamcham Wrote:So you're going to be a hermit the rest of your life and
only date girls via online sites. Good luck.

Nobody is impressed with the fact that you think you are better than other people.

I think you misunderstood. That's not what I'm saying at all.

From what I've read, Japanese dating sites are shady and mostly used for
nampa and one-night stands. They're called 出会い sites and are not looked at as positively
as they are in America (and possibly other western countries). The only Japanese dating
site I know off the top of my head is "JapanCupid". That's because I've seen their online ads before.

For personals there are, YD Personals (http://ydpersonals.japanichiban.com), WorldFriends (http://worldfriends.tv), and Hiragana times Friends (http://hiragana.meta4networks.com/welcome/).

At the end of the day, even if he finds women online, it's going to be the
person-to-person meetings that will make or break him. While in Japan,
he was unable to interact with others and make friends. I would say that
is the author's main issue. It shouldn't matter if it's online or not, the author
should be able to at least make friends with at least some people by now.

Also, the author mentioned language-exchange sites, but coming to the conclusion
that they're not good for meeting new people.

That's flat out wrong.

Many of the Japanese people I've met were through language exchange sites. Just ask them to meet in person at a public place. No need to be shy. Maybe some people will never respond, but you'll get many that want to meet in person. If you don't get a response from one person, move on to someone else.

The same is also true of Mixi. The author has to be more aggressive and try to find people
to meet in person. Not using Mixi and language-exchange sites to meet people is a huge
error on his part. Maybe the online profile says they're looking for English exchange, but I can tell
you from experience that many of them want to meet new people. Using the sites I mentioned, you can easily be meeting new girls every week. Eventually, you'll figure who you like and who you don't like.

Also, for the author, I'd like to ask: what are your interests? Since you can't find any one with
similar interests, let us know your interests. Maybe there are some groups in Japan that would
be a good fit.

Even if you think it's difficult- search search search and find a community of people with similar interests. That's the best way to widen your circle of friends in.. well.. any country.. but especially in Japan where it can be hard to break into a group as an outsider. It's easier if you have a lot to talk about.

I live in Osaka and have a wonderful community of people who are interested in craft/world beer. All really top-notch people. Interesting, fun to talk to, and generally connected to each other in some way or the other so it's easy to branch out. I've never had much trouble meeting new people here, though. If I walk into a neighborhood joint on a good night I can meet several new people. I'm friends with the owners and regulars of several restaurants in my area. - It's all about just getting out there and being confident talking to the people around you. Do it a few times and you'll get used to it. If you drink- don't worry about borrowing the power of alcohol to get the job done in the beginning. Most Japanese people don't randomly talk to me unless they've been drinking either. Haha.

I've never been to the international parties but some of my foreign friends here love them and try to assure me that most of the participants are normal people who just like international things- not "gaijin hunters." I try to avoid that type completely and I'm fine meeting people on my own so I don't go but it could be a good start..?

For what it's worth, I met a couple of people from Shared Talk when I visited Tokyo, and I could see myself being friends with them. I've talked to loads of people on Skype and the conversation fizzles out quickly 90% of the time, so you just move on. I think chamcham is right that you need to cast a wide net and be proactive about meeting up when things click, regardless of the site you're using. Some of his other suggestions might be better suited to a 熟女探し101 syllabus though If you have a thing for メンヘラさん, try @Skype. I'd never had someone tell me about their abortion within 5-minutes of speaking to them before I found that site.

Thanks for the replies!

chamcham, I appreciate the ideas, but try to read a little more of what I wrote before responding. Here are some things you seem to have missed:

1) I'm not trying to ONLY meet people online (that's just the topic of this thread).

2) I didn't say I couldn't meet people when I was there. Just that I wanted to branch out more socially and make more of an effort. (I actually made some of my best friends there.)

3) I didn't say I wouldn't use language exchange sites. I actually *just* said I was checking out japan-guide a few posts before your message. I just don't think that kind of site is perfect for what I'm looking for. Still going to try it out though.

Hope that clears up your confusion!

Oh, and someone asked about interests. I agree, finding a group or some people with common interests is a great starting point, and I want to try to do that. I'm mostly into music and art right now. More specifically: experimental/underground/etc. music, modern/contemporary art. Lots of all of that in Japan, of course, just not always easy to find other people into it.

Thanks for the continued thoughts/ideas everyone! Much appreciated. Too bad those 出会い sites are seen as sketchy, and not as mainstream as the U.S. versions, at least not yet.

kurukuru Wrote:Thanks for the replies!

chamcham, I appreciate the ideas, but try to read a little more of what I wrote before responding. Here are some things you seem to have missed:

1) I'm not trying to ONLY meet people online (that's just the topic of this thread).

2) I didn't say I couldn't meet people when I was there. Just that I wanted to branch out more socially and make more of an effort. (I actually made some of my best friends there.)

3) I didn't say I wouldn't use language exchange sites. I actually *just* said I was checking out japan-guide a few posts before your message. I just don't think that kind of site is perfect for what I'm looking for. Still going to try it out though.

Hope that clears up your confusion!

Oh, and someone asked about interests. I agree, finding a group or some people with common interests is a great starting point, and I want to try to do that. I'm mostly into music and art right now. More specifically: experimental/underground/etc. music, modern/contemporary art. Lots of all of that in Japan, of course, just not always easy to find other people into it.

Thanks for the continued thoughts/ideas everyone! Much appreciated. Too bad those 出会い sites are seen as sketchy, and not as mainstream as the U.S. versions, at least not yet.

I never had much luck with japan-guide.com
I would recommend http://www.mylanguageexchange.com.
I met many of my best japanese friends through that site.

Lots of people there want to meet in person.

Also, I think everytime you login, it bumps you up the list of active members.
So after each login, you'll notice you'll get more emails for the next few days/weeks.

Use the "advanced search" if you want to search by gender and other categories.

chamcham Wrote:

Tzadeck Wrote:Nobody is impressed with the fact that you think you are better than other people.

I think you misunderstood. That's not what I'm saying at all.

I wasn't talking about the content of your advice; I was talking about the condescending way you chose to say it.

Thanks, I'm checking out mylanguageexchange too now.

chamcham, on mylanguageexchange, did you pay for the gold membership thing? It looks like you can't send messages without that, unless I'm missing something.

I've used Japan-guide quite extensively to meet people over the past several years. I've made several really awesome friends and penpals, and met several of them during my trips to Japan.

However, I find that you have to be VERY persistent with it. You can't just send out a message to one or two people and expect to hear anything back.
I tend to get about one reply for every 7 or 8 people I try writing to.
And then among those who write back, maybe 1 out of 5 will actually keep up a conversation with me for more than a few emails.

My recommendation for that site is to just write up a general introduction for yourself, but customize it a little for each person who you send a message out to. For instance if you have some hobbies in common you could bring that up, or maybe express interest in their city, or something like that.
Also definitely post your own profile on there so other people can see it and write to you. Since newest entries are shown first in the search results, you will want to repost it about once a week.

japan-guide still seems like a great resource, BTW. Just posted a profile there, and have struck up conversations with a lot of people just in the span of four days.

this is just my two yen, but i think if language exchange is going to be productive (and it has the potential to be by far the most productive language resource) you need a real connection with the partner. if you (a straight guy I am assuming) can become friends with some dude to the degree that that happens, great... but it seems unlikely and difficult. more likely that you can (as a foreigner in japan) easily pull a japanese girl to become a girlfriend, and use that connection to tremendous linguistic advantage.

i bolded and underlined it, but still dont think you can overestimate the benefit this has for your language skillz. j-girlfriends are your jedi master, and if you've got RTK and core6k under your belt, with a j-gf (or better yet several) you will go from padawan to an imperfect but functional j-jedi in less than a year.

she doesn't have to be young or attractive. how much do you want this language? that's how much you should be prepared to lower your standards... although in japan it shouldn't be too hard really because you're a couple steps up from a normal j-guy that looks like you, just by being foreign.

now, regarding the topic, i think if you use mobile apps you're more likely to find younger girls. yes most will want to talk in english but (unless they're super hot) dont. write your profile in japanese, only message in japanese, and on the dates only use japanese.
and yes, as wide a net as possible. like it's your job. my line has like 100 contacts.

you want a twelve-step program for guaranteed fluency. forget khatz. date 12 J girls. simple.

and fyi tinder is blowing up in tokyo...

dtcamero Wrote:she doesn't have to be young or attractive. how much do you want this language? that's how much you should be prepared to lower your standards... although in japan it shouldn't be too hard really because you're a couple steps up from a normal j-guy that looks like you, just by being foreign.

I hope this is some sort of reductio ad absurdam post, because encouraging men to use women as a means to an end like this is appalling.

gaiaslastlaugh Wrote:

dtcamero Wrote:she doesn't have to be young or attractive. how much do you want this language? that's how much you should be prepared to lower your standards... although in japan it shouldn't be too hard really because you're a couple steps up from a normal j-guy that looks like you, just by being foreign.

I hope this is some sort of Devil's Advocate post, because encouraging men to use women as a means to an end like this is appalling.

Or if one doesn't find a girlfriend, he could go with another man, just for the love of learning the language

cophnia61 Wrote:Or if one doesn't find a girlfriend, he could go with another man, just for the love of learning the language

yes well thank you for illustrating that flipside of my point...I personally don't need Japanese that badly but everything's relative ;D

gaiaslastlaugh Wrote:that's appalling

when you meet enough Japanese women that are doing the exact same thing, but for English, you might change your mind. this is like 1/2 of the women on any english-language dating website in japan. They understand that having daily conversations in your L2 is 100times more powerful than studying textbooks or classes.
Japanese people mercenarily trying to make friends / date an English speaking person is totally normal here because people's economic (/various other) situation can improve dramatically if they can speak our language.