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My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - speedking - 2011-05-17
Hey guys. I know this is not exactly the place to ask for life advice but I'm really lost right now.
I'm posting here because this is the only place I know with only highly intelligent members and with different backgrounds.
It's long and poorly written so I understand if you TL;DR me.
So...
I'm 20 years old, working in Japan as a blue-collar. Yes, not exactly your typical RTK user.
As a Japanese descendant I had the chance to live and work here without any requirements other than, I don't know, somewhat resembling a Japanese dude and don't mind working 12 hours at smelly and dirty places.
Some of my peers came with a goal in mind like saving as much as they could and open their own business back home. Others were just happy to have a job.
I came here at age 16. I didn't know what the hell I wanted. I was depressed, with no hopes for my future, with a non supportive family and to top it off I dropped out of school. I was the typical nerdy asian guy so my grades were not the cause, mind you. The school sucked and I couldn't stand going there everyday to learn nothing. But what I think was my major problem was me getting online. See, hating your reality and having access to a dream world is a dangerous combination. I couldn't get motivated to do anything "real." I even started to attend a better school, but at that time I was already dead on the inside. I quit again.
What happened then is that people decided to send me here, where I could be at least working and far, far away from them.
I admit that if wasn't for that, maybe I'd never had discovered how much I love Japan.
And so I stayed.
For more than 4 years.
Now, I wish I could tell you that I made tons of Japanese friends and everything is fine nowadays.
But it's not, of course. Here my life basically stopped. Is not the place, is the person.Social anxiety, internet addiction and lack of Japanese skills make me a no-life.
I want to be fluent at Japanese and live here but not working and living like that. At the same time the more I stay, the lesser the chances I have to get a proper education in my country.
I feel like I'm in such an unusual situation… What should I DO?
I want to live in Japan, keep AJATTing and kick ass in Japanese someday. Yet I want to go back to school.
But if do go back and everything goes well… Do I'm ever getting the chance to live here again?
Should I just give up the idea of living here altogether?
This is the first time I vent this out… I'm sorry for sounding like a kid in such an awesome forum but, yeah, I guess I'M still a kid after all.
I'd really appreciate any kind of advice, even trolling is accepted.
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - Superfreek - 2011-05-17
I would say try to get the education ball rolling again...leverage your superior English skills and teach English. Life and Japanese is about taking lots of little steps.
Good luck!
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - Sebastian - 2011-05-17
speedking Wrote:I want to live in Japan, keep AJATTing and kick ass in Japanese someday. Yet I want to go back to school.Why couldn't you go to school in Japan?
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - rich_f - 2011-05-17
What do you want out of life? Where do you want to go with it? What kinds of things do you want to do? Where do you want to be in 10 years, and what do you want to be doing, work-wise? *What's important to you?* Write that stuff down. If you don't know, then write down some general things you'd like to do. Don't say, "That's impossible" before you write it down. Just write it all down. Everything you want out of life.
You're still *really* young, and you can do pretty much whatever you want to do, depending on how badly you want to do it. (I went to law school with an M.D. who as in his mid-60s; conversely, I know people who have gotten their M.D.'s in their 50s.)
I would say the smartest move would be to at least get some sort of High School diploma or equivalent for starters. If you can do it in Japan, great. If you have to go home, then do it quickly and get it over with. Yes, it may be boring, but as you already know, doing boring stuff is part of being an adult.
If you don't want to work crappy jobs all your life, you need to get training of some sort. Doesn't have to be a college degree-- you can go and become a chef if you want. But you still need a HS diploma or equivalent, usually.
As an example: the "Cool Japan" that aired here in the US this past weekend had a 10-minute segment about a young German woman who moved to Kyoto at 18, went to culinary school there for 2 years, graduated at 20, and now is in the first year of a 12-year 和菓子 (わがし wagashi-- Japanese confectionery) apprenticeship. She loves the work, and she loves Kyoto. That was the plan she decided on for staying.
Or you could go the traditional university route. Depends on what you want to do.
Think about what would be the coolest thing in the world to do, then figure out what it would take to make it happen. Some of the dudes that thought that way are in orbit right now, about 200 miles above us.
I would dump the online games. Escaping from reality is fine in small doses, but it doesn't make the underlying problems don't go away.
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - ファブリス - 2011-05-18
Social anxiety is in you, not in the world around you, so moving to another country won't solve that. On the other hand one thing I've learned is that trying to solve too many things at once is pointless. If you can put yourself in a situation that relieves part of your stress, it will make it that much easier to tackle other issues.
You pretty much have a permanently open door to Japan, if I understand correctly? So you're really free to move out and take a break and come back later. If you feel like it could relieve some of your stress, why not do it? You're only 20 you can leave Japan and come back later.
I think cutting yourself completely off your games and such is a waste of time. Everybody needs to relieve stress in one way or another. If it's not games, what will you use? There is only so much stress you can handle, before you resort to alcohol, drugs, online withdrawals etc. Instead of "disciplining" yourself on removing stuff, focus on doing new things that improve your quality of life. As you do that, the less beneficial things will naturally fade out or lose your interest.
PS: Most importantly, only you know what's best for you at this point in your life. The trick is to be able to listen to your "guts" (your heart), instead of telling yourself stories about "AJATTING in Japan" (your mind). Everyone's life is different so no one here can say what you should do outright. Post ideas here and use the forum like a sounding board, rather than a crystal ball
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - jettyke - 2011-05-18
rich_f Wrote:Think about what would be the coolest thing in the world to do, then figure out what it would take to make it happen.And don't accept anything less than that or you'll probably fail.
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - kitakitsune - 2011-05-18
Get out of Japan and back in school.
If you have social anxiety, living in Japan working dead end jobs with no Japanese skills is only going to hurt you more.
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - IceCream - 2011-05-18
well, it sounds like you don't particularly want to move away from Japan, so look into your options for getting into a Japanese university!
You don't have to study in Japanese in Japan, universities all over the country have been opening degrees in english over the past few years! So, check out what degree courses are on offer first, and figure out what you want to do... then check the application requirements.
Probably you're going to need the equivalent of a 12 year education, so there's two ways you can do that in Japan. The first is to find a school for foreignors, and finish your high school there. The second is to study by yourself for a qualification that is internationally recognised (A-levels, international baccalaureate, etc), and take a trip to sit the exams when the time comes.
with option 1, you'll probably be the oldest there, but it could be good for your social anxiety, and will definately be good if you find it difficult to motivate yourself.
with option 2, it's going to be hard work, and won't help you socially, but does look good on your CV, as it shows true motivation. You can also continue working while doing it if you needed to.
I'd also recommend taking up a few outside hobbies... even just going and reading in a cafe sometimes would be ok, as you'll be out of your house for a few hours. Other than that, you could join a sports centre / gym / class (kendo, etc), a japanese conversation class to improve your Japanese speaking, or do some volunteer work. You'll be able to make friends too.
Like Fabrice said, you don't need to force yourself to not use the internet at all, but if you push yourself to create times when you're out of the house and not online, you'll see your quality of life dramatically improve, and probably won't be as into it as you were before... the times you do want to play, you can do it guilt free since you're already making an effort in a variety of ways.
If you really wanted to be fluent in Japanese, and attend university in Japanese, you could also do that instead. There, you'll need plenty of motivation, but it's definately doable if you study hard! I'm not sure what the entrance requirements are for Japanese courses, but if you can pass the entrance test, does it matter about your high school? I'm not sure, but that's another option to check out. This forum, and the resources here, along with some Japanese school books should get you there ok...
There's tons of opportunities out there, and your young, so you can do anything!!!
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - kitakitsune - 2011-05-18
I doubt an international school is going to take in a 20 year old foreign high school drop out.
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - IceCream - 2011-05-18
well, he said he has good grades. It's worth a try, anyway. Perhaps some of them do evening courses?
If it doesn't work, there's nothing lost by trying. But if you never try, you'll never find out if it was possible.
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - kitakitsune - 2011-05-18
I don't know the op's full situation but it looks like his family is not in Japan. So you have to factor in the cost of quitting his job, moving to an area where there is an international school which will accept him, and paying tuition to that school.
It's better to finish school where you have the best financial and family support. From the looks of that, it's not in Japan.
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - KMDES - 2011-05-18
My suggestion? Start by getting out and getting exercise.
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - Cranks - 2011-05-18
Simple Solution:
- Break your life into areas.
- Set a 3 month 1 goal in each area that you MUST achieve and how.
- Set 3 things for each that you could do and how.
- Do small things towards each goal each day.
Example:
- Health.
# Lose 10kgs in 3 months.
1. Exercise daily.
2. Measure my weight weekly.
3. Find a workout buddy.
4. Find a comfortable place to workout.
Complex Solution:
Listen to my bad advice, young one. Save cash and get yourself off your addictions (take the meds, if you must). Get yourself to a country where you can hang out with pretty girls and that doesn't have the internet (like Okinawa or a small island country in the South Pacific). Take up social drinking in a very big way. Start yourself on the apprenticeship track and become a builder or a pirate. After that you can consider learning Japanese.
-----Bloopers-----
# Hey! No Bloopers. The 2nd is a joke. The first is for real.
# Pass on that education. Listen, you've been out of school for awhile and you've forgotten how sucky it is. Why go back? Get yourself a job in a hotel or on the fast track to a trades job. These, sometimes, won't require much school time and you'll get paid.
# Forget Japanese. It's probably another hook in a bunch of addictions - this forum is for me. Focus on work, money, relationship building, your body and sex. You'll feel better (watch those STDs, though.)
After you read this, pick up your computer, go to the window, throw it on the concrete a few floors before. It's time for a change and you don't need it.
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - Zarxrax - 2011-05-18
If you want to meet some friends, here are a few things you can do:
Try making some friends online, and then see if they want to meet up.
Join some group/club/activity/class. Just find something that you are interested in, and look for a group of people who are doing it.
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - Cranks - 2011-05-18
P.s.,
Don't stress this so much. Everyone sucks with other people. I'm good with people and I still feel anxiety, nervousness and so on all the time.
Also, gaming is a bad mistress. The only real change you can make is to gravitate towards more console gaming and less MOMRPG gaming. If you can change how you game - taking out the social element that these sorts of games have - you will start to have more control (why not do 70% no internet gaming, 30% online?) Being a bit more in control, but not taking yourself completely off it right away is the best practice here - this is exactly on the level of crack and you should treat it as such. (Try PSP gaming outdoors. That helps too.)
One thing you have to face head-on is that Japanese is something for the good times. This is an EMERGENCY situation. Get some cash together and hit the local English speakers drinking spots or hang out with westerners via Skype who live in your city. You can't afford to care about Japanese and AJATTing right now. This is a time to get in contract with people who speak your language. Build up these relationships and you'll have a much better perspective on things. (A pro-tip is to have Yahoo Messenger UK/USA [ENGLISH ONLY] on anytime you are using your PC. Make sure the message beep is nice and loud and you reply every single time. You'll need to be in at least 15 chat rooms at once. Build your friends lists then use those skills in real life - you probably have great people skills in your fingers, take that into the real world and you will do well. <--- This is also good for breaking your gaming pattern as you are constantly in and out replying, which messes up your flow.)
This is your life, Speedking. Do you really want to be what you are now any more? You're not happy, I can tell from your text, and you want to change, so why not? Work on yourself and your entire life will be 10,000% better. You need to break the bad patterns in your life and do something that will take you a little bit towards having a better life. It's not a should, could, would, can, might. THIS IS A MUST. Peace.
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - jettyke - 2011-05-18
Cranks Wrote:After you read this, pick up your computer, go to the window, throw it on the concrete a few floors before. It's time for a change and you don't need it.My friend did it and in a few weeks he borrowed my other friend's laptop and ended up using it for a few years( as enthusiastically as before breaking it)
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - KMDES - 2011-05-18
jettyke Wrote:If the friends knew he was going to quit, then by giving him a laptop, they weren't very good friends, were they?Cranks Wrote:After you read this, pick up your computer, go to the window, throw it on the concrete a few floors before. It's time for a change and you don't need it.My friend did it and in a few weeks he borrowed my other friend's laptop and ended up using it for a few years( as enthusiastically as before breaking it)
Also, getting rid of the computer might not be a bad idea. Computers are designed to really screw with your brain, like trying to get accustomed to constantly switching tasks which hurts your attention span, and there's all the skinner-box games out there these days, which basically makes you literally addicted.
Not to mention sitting all day.
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - speedking - 2011-05-18
I threw my notebook on the ground(like Andy Samberg) and now I'm posting this on an internet cafe. Thank you so much.
You have a point Cranks. I always hated how the school system work and never saw a point to it. But then I got older and saw that a lot of people on the internets go to college. People that I "think" is just like me. Now, maybe is me and my troubled mind but when people say to get online or join a club or whatever to met people I can't help but think that since I'm not graduate in whatever, people wouldn't give a crap about me. Now that I think about it, I don't know if that's really the case or result of years of reclusion. Probably the later, huh…
Example, here in Japan, I don't even picture myself hitting a girl because I think: "Well, she's going to dump me when I say what I do, so what's the point."
Well, I was quite sure that I was going back home and study my ass off.
Not so sure now. You definitely made me think.
Thank all you guys for taking the time to reply, I never expected such a large amount of response.
edit:
BTW, I moved to a new place this year and went 2 months without internet. Were probably my most productive months in my life. Even when I knew that I didn't actually need internet that badly at the time, I decided to get it again. Slowly I went back to my old habits and started to slack on real life. Even though I know the benefits of going offline, I still don't have the courage to stay away from it. Rationally I know how awesome would be to go crazy and just do whatever I want just to see what happens... But we all know is not that easy.
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - ViolentDeathProvider - 2011-05-18
Hey speedking, I hope I can help you with some advice.
At one point in my life I was very depressed. I too dropped out of school, and I had lost my job and moved back in with the folks. I'm still hooked on the internet, though (internet distraction is a bitch!).
Anyway, here's what I recommend you do to get back into a groove here.
- Make a list of your strengths (personality-wise, professionally). For example, you are a native English speaker in Japan, you are web-savvy, you are dedicated enough to study Japanese and live in a culturally strange country (from a Western perspective).
- Start working out. Exercising can do WONDERS for depression. Trust me. Do a google search for Rippetoe's Starting Strength. It only requires about 45 minutes, 3 times a week and the results are AWESOME! I've done this myself.
- Get a good diet (ties in with the last tip). Do some nutritional research.
- Set small, short-term goals that are attainable. For example: I want to learn 5 new sentences today. I want to learn 15 kanji today. I want to take a walk through the park today. I would like to read a book this week. Keep a list, and cross it off as you go. Instant gratification.
- Usually if someone is unhappy where they are, it's because their actual self is different from their ideal self, and they believe there is no way to reach that goal. Write a list of everything you would have to change about yourself to become your ideal self. E.g.: Learn japanese, lose fat and add muscle, get a girlfriend, get a good job, etc. Break these down into said short-term goals and work on them every day.
- Get adequate sleep. When I was really depressed myself, it worse when I would wake up after 4 hours of bad sleep. When that happens, it can really throw off your schedule. There is nothing worse than getting onto a sleeping schedule of 1pm to 7pm one day, then 8am to 4pm, and so forth. Go to sleep early and wake up early. Studies have shown that people who wake up earlier have more productive days. If your job allows, sleep 10pm to 6am, or 11pm to 7am. Get your full 8 hours.
- My father always told me: The key is to being a happy and successful man is to 1) avoid alimony/child support, and 2) stay away from drugs. Owing a woman who broke your heart money for divorce (or God forbid a child) is terrible. And being in Japan, you would have to really try to be into drugs. Unfortunately, I struggle with #2 myself. I wish I never would have done them.. But I digress.
- Find joy in life's small things. Get a nice cloudy, cool day in the middle of a week that would make a school girl cry あつーーーーーーーーい！！！? Rejoice and be happy! Have a good laugh with someone at work? Be happy. Sit next to a beautiful woman on the train and exchange smiles? You're the man! Everyone deserves to be happy. I know what it is like to NOT be happy, ever. And it's hard.
- If you hate your job, go on a job hunt. Again, I know how hard it can be if you are depressed. But if you call and call, and show up, and pester employers about your sugoi eigo skills, you might be able to find some kind of teaching job. If you look long enough, you will find one.
- Check to see if there are any scholarships open to you to go to a j-university. I don't know exactly your situation, but Japan's Ministry of Education (or whatever it's called) is fairly generous with the scholarships to gaijin, from what i've heard.
If I think of more tips later, I'll post them.. If you need someone to talk to (if you are having a REALLY rough time), PM me... I've been through it all.
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - Ryuujin27 - 2011-05-18
ViolentDeathProvider Wrote:- Start working out. Exercising can do WONDERS for depression. Trust me. Do a google search for Rippetoe's Starting Strength. It only requires about 45 minutes, 3 times a week and the results are AWESOME! I've done this myself.Just don't follow his diet advise. It'll make you fat.
Do it while restricting calories. You will still have awesome results. I did.
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - ta12121 - 2011-05-18
Ryuujin27 Wrote:From experience, we should eat until we are satisfied. I've found eating a small amount and drinking a lot of water and eating a little more is enough for me. I know my stomach can't handle so much intake of food. As for weights, if you really work on it for the long-term. Something like 6 months or so, the results will be awesomeViolentDeathProvider Wrote:- Start working out. Exercising can do WONDERS for depression. Trust me. Do a google search for Rippetoe's Starting Strength. It only requires about 45 minutes, 3 times a week and the results are AWESOME! I've done this myself.Just don't follow his diet advise. It'll make you fat.
Do it while restricting calories. You will still have awesome results. I did.
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - ViolentDeathProvider - 2011-05-18
Ryuujin27 Wrote:Ah, you did Rippetoe's too? It's pretty awesome. I would recommend it to anyone. Anyway, I think the diet advice you should follow is dependent on a lot of things. If you have never worked out, you will still gain a lot of muscle while cutting calories. If you are really devoted to muscle gain, you should probably follow the diet advice (after a few months). You will gain fat and muscle, but that's the point. After that you do a deficit and you will lose fat while maintaining a lot of the muscle you have. Most intermediate level weight lifters will do the Bulk/Cut/Bulk/Cut/etc cycle. But nutrition is an advanced topic and this threads not really the place for it. But yeah, if you're just starting, just eat at a small deficit, meaning like 10-20% under your calories burnt at rest.ViolentDeathProvider Wrote:- Start working out. Exercising can do WONDERS for depression. Trust me. Do a google search for Rippetoe's Starting Strength. It only requires about 45 minutes, 3 times a week and the results are AWESOME! I've done this myself.Just don't follow his diet advise. It'll make you fat.
Do it while restricting calories. You will still have awesome results. I did.
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - Kuma01 - 2011-05-18
I disagree with most of what's been posted up till now. I believe you should put living in Japan on hold for now and move back to your home country to get a proper education. You can work on your language skills while getting a valid degree if you have the proper discipline. Once you have a useful degree you could move back to Japan and get decent job, and by that time you'll probably be able to converse in Japanese. As for the social anxiety thing, I believe it should be significantly less when you're back in your home country and can actually make sense out of what people are saying. And no exercising isn't going to magically make his anxiety go away, nor does it help with people who suffer from actual depression. A hypersensitive stress axis doesn't correct itself just by excercising.
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - Ryuujin27 - 2011-05-18
Kuma01 Wrote:And no exercising isn't going to magically make his anxiety go away, nor does it help with people who suffer from actual depression. A hypersensitive stress axis doesn't correct itself just by excercising.I don't have the time to do the research to pull up the studies and facts of why you are wrong right now, so I'll just say: you're wrong.
My life is on hold. Don't know what to do - jettyke - 2011-05-18
KMDES Wrote:Computers are designed to really screw with your brain, like trying to get accustomed to constantly switching tasks which hurts your attention spanWhere do you get this info from,
do you have any interesting links btw?
I've also noticed this.