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+--- Thread: Someone check my translation, please? (/thread-11949.html)
Someone check my translation, please? - saikkun - 2014-07-02
Hi, so I'm a bit new to this whole translation thing. I decided to attempt a translation during one of the days boredom took over me just to see how far I've come. I'm not really requesting for anyone to translate anything, which is why I posted this over here. What I'd really like to know is did I even do this right, as grammar is one of my weaker points right now.
どんな夢を見ればいいの 絶望さえ奪われて
悲しいとか悔しいとか 言葉なくし嘆くすべもない
あるはずの温もりが 突然に消え去って
凍りつく胸 聞こえる鼓動
立ち上がれと立ち向かえと 貴方は言うのか
砕けた夢が騒ぐ 痛みに喘ぎながら
光の刃を握りしめ 戦い続けるだけ
裂かれた傷が流す 真っ赤なマグマのような
光を刃に今掲げて 戦い続けるだけ
煌めく刃に刻む軌跡
Which dream should I be chasing after, when even despair has been taken away from me?
Words cannot describe this sorrow and regret that I feel
Suddenly, the warmth that used to be here disappeared
In this frozen chest, I can still hear a pulse
Will you tell me to stand up and fight?
My broken dreams cry out in pain
I can only keep fighting, grasping this blade of light
From my open wounds, something like pure red magma bleeds out
Even now, I can only keep fighting, carrying this blade of light
This glittering blade with which a trail was forged upon
So, uh, did I do this right? ^^ I'm sorry in advance if I should have posted this in the translation topic instead!
Someone check my translation, please? - howtwosavealif3 - 2014-07-02
Translation is tricky since you don't want to be too literate ( copy paste dictionary ) but you don't want to lose the essence blahblahblah if you want to translate well. Also you have to interpret the song and at the same there's different ways to interpret it
I recommend learning from other people's translations that are well done and there's books about translations if you're really interested
As far as free and fun I sometimes find this blog to be of use in learning about translating because there's actual examples. There's also translation party entries which is kinda long but you can see all the different ways people translate stuff
Crymore.net
Someone check my translation, please? - albion - 2014-07-03
"悲しいとか悔しいとか 言葉なくし嘆くすべもない"
I read this as 'I've lost words, like 'sad' or 'regrettable', and have no (don't even have any) means to lament' （言葉をなくして、嘆くすべもない）. ~すべ（術）がない is to have means or way to do something.
'立ち上がれと立ち向かえと 貴方は言うのか'
I took the first part as two different commands ("to stand up, to fight against [it]") rather than "~ and ~" since と here is for quotation rather than 'and'.
'砕けた夢が騒ぐ 痛みに喘ぎながら'
This looks like it would be normally/correctly (not that it's wrong) written 痛みに喘ぎながら 砕けた夢が騒ぐ (while gasping/suffering in pain, my broken dreams clamour).
Songs are going to be harder to translate (I assumed this was the lyrics from a song anyway), since they tend to be more loose in terms of grammar and syntax (lines 1 and 6 look like the order was reversed) and left more open to interpretation. My comments are just based on how I read things, so I'm not necessarily saying the choice of words I picked is the best one.